September 4, 2002 7:55 AM

Can a brother get an egg roll in this dump??

PRESIDENT BUSH'S LABOR DAY ADDRESS TO COLLECTED MEMBERS OF THE KOREAN DELI & FRUIT STAND OWNERS ASSOCIATION

As you know, today marks the beginning of the Labor Day holiday weekend, a time when Americans honor the years of hard work and long days that have made this country the greatest one on the face of the earth. I mean seriously, bar none, the absolute greatest. Hell, if America was one person – even his dandruff would be greater than every other person in the world. I know it, you know it, and every other country knows it. That's why so many foreigners are so sour all the time. It must be hard to look in the mirror every morning and think, "I'm not even 1% as good as America's toe jam."

But I digressify. I'm here today because I want to honor the spirit of hard work and labor that is so prevalent not only in the Korean American community as a whole, but especially among you deli and fruit stand owners. Never let it be said that you people don't know how to work. Hell, you never close up shop. It could be 3:30 in the morning on Christmas day itself, and you folks can be counted on to still be laboring – selling the candy bars, lottery tickets, cigarettes and malt liquor which keep our economy strong. Why, when it comes to labor, you even put the tophat Jews to shame. They take off all day Saturday and won't even work after dark.

Chinese, Korean...ah, hell, just get me some egg rolls, willya??

And so Monday is Labor Day. And while I myself will not be working – it being the final day of my month-long getaway to my modest ranch in Texas – I know that each and every one of you will be – tending your stores with the same kind of caring zeal and commitment that the junk cart vendors on M*A*S*H did. And I want each of you to know, on behalf of Vice President Cheney and myself, how much we appreciate all the hard work you people do. Don't think it hasn't gone unnoticed by this administration that so few of you collect welfare, or that so many of you have set aside silly oriental religions in favor of worshipping Jesus Christ. Yes, we didn't start calling you people the "model minority" for nothing.

In closing, I wanted to thank you all for cooperating so nicely with all the extra security here today. As you know, since each of you is a blood relative of the Axis of Evil, the Secret Service insisted on implementing some extra precautions before I arrived. I know you all understand, and I'm told everyone was very gracious during the body cavity searches. But now, looking out over this sea of shivering pink nipples, I think it's about time we give you good people your clothes back. So I'm going to quit my yapping up here, and be on my way.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on September 4, 2002 7:55 AM.

31 years, 21 bodies was the previous entry in this blog.

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