I will kick your ass (Thanks to my stepson, Adam, for sharing this one...)
In case any of y'all are having trouble finding someone to kick your ass, you can go to Ebay and bid on someone who will happily do it for you- randomly and at a time of his choosing. Yes, this is Free Enterprise at it's finest....
Winning bid receives an ass-kicking from me personally. I am 6'0" and weigh over 230 lbs. If you win this auction, I will personally come to your house and kick your ass. I guarantee that I will not break any bones or kill you, nor will I use any weapons on you, but I will give you a good beating. I will do this under two conditions:
1) You or anyone else does not press charges against me(after all, you bought the ass-kicking),
2) You do not fight back or attempt to physically harm me in any other manner (this is your ass getting kicked, not mine).Buyer provides round-trip plane ticket to the nearest airport, as well as cab fare to your house and back. If you are not close to an airport, you may provide me with a train ticket or other means of transportation. Do not pick me up, as I will be attacking you completely randomly. Buyer must also provide good, clear directions to their house, as well as any business expenses for if I need to stay in a hotel or buy food for myself during the trip. Most likely though I will just fly in, kick your ass, and then leave.
Upon my arrival, I will select a random time to come over and kick your ass. It may be when you are sleeping, or showering, or any other time during the day/night when you are most vulnerable. During this beating I may damage one or more of your household items, if I have to break glass to get into your home or knock over furniture if you attempt to run from me. This should be expected by you, and covered in my expenses. If you are married or have children, I may choose to slap around your family a little bit, but only if I'm feeling particularly generous. They should be informed of this, and expect it as well.
Bidding starts at one cent ($0.01) but remember the winner must pay all expenses for my travel if they wish for me to come and kick their ass.
I will accept check, money order, or Paypal. Or you could just let me use your valid credit card for a few days and we'll call it even.
Hey, if this works, just think of the possibilities. I may put my dignity and sense of purpose up for bid, though they're both rather careworn and likely not worth all that much. If I can get a handle on the marketing end of things, I might also try to sell off my reason for living, my moral compass, and my self-respect. It's not like I'm getting much use out of those things lately....
