With the capture of the DC snipers, it is once again safe for good, God-fearing Americans to walk the streets toting their semi-automatic weapons. And what, really, does any American, God-fearing or not, need with a firearm?
Statement by the Presidents
THE USA PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. As you know, late last week saw the apprehension and arrest of two colored muslamoids who had been gunning down innocent Christians all around Washington DC. As a result, plenty of ignorant liberals have been bellyaching some garbage about how guns can hurt people. Even worse, suddenly it's taboo to be brandishing your heavy artillery at the local playground. Well today, now that 100 hours have now passed since the successful deactivation of this mobile Al Qaeda cell, I am pleased to assure Americans that it is now kosher to bust out your personal hand cannons and squeeze off a swarm of lead-tipped skeeters in whatever direction your rage-fueled heart desires.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Amen! Lock and load, brothers!
THE USA PRESIDENT: My administration has been a tireless defender of the Second Amendment to the Constitution, which states quite unambiguously that the founding fathers clearly predicted a future in which the definition of "arms" would stretch well beyond five-foot-long black powder muskets capable of firing one round every three minutes, and most definitely include easily concealable, fully-automatic mini-howitzers that can lay waste to a whole arena full of worthless peacenik flower people in seconds flat.
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Take my weapon? When you pry it from my cold, dead hands!
THE USA PRESIDENT: Furthermore, my administration - along with the National Rifle Association - is on record as firmly believing that the Second Amendment is far more important than any silly little freedoms of so-called "speech" or "fair trials."
THE NRA PRESIDENT: What's this button for?
THE NRA PRESIDENT: Take my weapon? When you pry it from my cold, dead hands!
THE USA PRESIDENT: Furthermore, my administration - along with the National Rifle Association - is on record as firmly believing that the Second Amendment is far more important than any silly little freedoms of so-called "speech" or "fair trials."
THE NRA PRESIDENT: What's this button for?
Sometimes I really do wonder if the gun lobby believes that the Second Amendment trumps those "silly little freedoms". I have never been a fan of the Second Amendment, though I understand it's emotional utility and significance in our society. Time was when one had to venture into the wilderness and kill dinner. Now, all we need to in order to get dinner is to kill some time at a drive-through window. We live in a different world; why should our relationship to, and need for, firearms not change? I'm not saying that I want to disarm Americans (though that idea does have some merit). What I am saying is that it is time for us as a society to come to grips with the realities of what firearms do to our society.
I'm tired of hearing the old saw, "When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns." Frankly, it's an intellectually dishonest way to dismiss an argument one doesn't have the intellectual weaponry to refute. Sure, people keep weapons for self-defense. How many people are killed or injured by their own weapons, when, trying to defend themselves, their weapon is turned on themselves? We need a better, less emotional dialogue on the role firearms should play in our society. I would submit that their importance is more emotional and political than practical. Perhaps it time that we addressed that.
