Last week, I wrote about my night in a sleep lab. Today, I have an appointment to get a CPAP (Constant Positive Airway Pressure) machine, which means that I may, for perhaps the first time ever, get a good night's sleep. Of course, it's going to take perhaps a couple of days to get used to wearing a mask over my nose and sleeping on my back. At this point, though, I am willing to trying just about anything short of homicide.
My inability to sleep has grown steadily worse over the past few weeks. It has, to be blunt, made my life something close to a living hell. I've been trying not to whine or complain about it, but there it is. Just ask Susan; she'll tell you. I wake up with a headache every single morning, probably from the lack of oxygen reaching my brain. I wake up at ridiculous hours, unable to go back to sleep. This morning, I was awake at 1am. After rolling around for awhile, I gave up and got out of bed at 3.45am.
Because of my inability both to sleep and to sleep well, I have become a walking zombie. My concentration is non-existent, my disposition is anything but pleasant, and by the time I get home from work, I can barely function. My job involves a fair amount of driving in marked company vehicles, but I no longer feel confident in my ability to perform that part of my job safely. Yesterday, I went to my boss and told him that, and as a result my driving privileges are suspended. I don't know what that portends for the future of my job, but at least I feel as if I did the right thing. I can still do most of my job, but for now I'm driving a desk. Rule #1 in my business is "Don't kill anyone." At the moment, I cannot get behind the wheel of a company vehicle and be completely confident that I can drive safely.
I also find myself questioning my judgement. Because I am so tired so much of the time, it is difficult for me to concentrate and focus fully on the task at hand. Even something as simple as writing takes longer, because my mind is constantly wandering off into parts unknown.
I've become increasingly worried, and though I've been trying not to let it get the best of me, it's been difficult. I'll admit it; I'm scared. There are times when I feel as if I'm going crazy. Emotionally, I feel as fragile as bone china. I spend most of my days feeling as if I'm on the cusp of completely losing my composure. The words "legally insane" keep running through my mind with disturbing frequency.
What keeps me going is the hope that everything goes according to plan, that I get the CPAP machine today, and that it does what everyone tells me it will. I hope they're right. Stay tuned....
