The year that was

GREETINGS FROM HOUSTON 2002: Follies of the year

This year, like most any year, has been a journey from the ridiculous to the sublime. Some of Houston's finer moments include:

• OUR ROVING AMBASSADORS
  Anna Nicole Smith's TV show, featuring the former topless dancer who married a Houston oil billionaire, debuted on the E! channel with the buxom model simulating sex on a bed, raiding the refrigerator and barking to her dog, "Sugar Pie, stop smelling my bellybutton!"
• DO YOU HAVE ANY 80-YEAR-OLD BILLIONAIRES?
  Anna Nicole joined a dating agency to try to find a new boyfriend.
• PROOF THAT THE END IS NIGH
  Despite withering reviews, the E! Entertainment channel announced a second season for The Anna Nicole Show.
• SOLIDARITY IS FOR THE POLES
  Leaders of Houston Teamsters Local 988 had their new headquarters constructed by nonunion workers because they thought union contractors charged too much.
• THEY GET THE ANDY FASTOW CREATIVE FINANCING AWARD
  The Texas Department of Public Safety used $12 million in confiscated drug money to build its new Houston-area field office after the state Legislature couldn't come up with the funds.
• USING THE LOWEST BIDDER SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME
  The 3-year-old, state-of-the-art Conroe police headquarters was found to have cracked floor tiles, split bricks, gaps in the windows, warped ceiling-tile support grids, bare-concrete gaps between carpet floors and walls, water dripping from the air conditioning vents, and a 2-inch bulge in the hallways caused by a ground shift.
• UHH ... SLAVISH RUBBER STAMPING?
  A book given to guests at a luncheon hosted by the University of St. Thomas Center for Ethics contained a chapter by ex-Enron chief Ken Lay titled "What Should a CEO Expect from the Board of Directors?"
• THE HARDEST PART WAS PERSUADING THEM TO ACCEPT STOCK OPTIONS AS COLLATERAL
  When bailout expert Stephen F. Cooper took over as CEO of Enron, one of his first duties was convincing some delivery guys not to repossess the water coolers.

• FOR THAT HAZ-MATTE FINISH
  A hazardous materials team rushed to a Meyerland branch bank after a Mary Kay saleswoman slipped samples of perfume and cosmetics into a pneumatic drive-through tube, then left without informing the teller.
• BIN LADEN IS ROTFL
  Travis Wright told Houston FBI agents he had intercepted online messages from terrorists planning a missile attack on the Winter Olympics, but confessed it was a lie before officials had to decide whether to evacuate Salt Lake and cancel President Bush's visit.
• THE SILLY STRING SENT HIM OVER THE EDGE
  Galveston police Sgt. Nicholas Rac fired two shotgun blasts at a pickup carrying three high school band members who returned to his home after wrapping it in toilet paper, fishing line and Silly String.
• HONEY DON'T
  The worst outbreak of giant sap-sucking bark aphids in 20 years caused a veritable rain of "honeydew" -- sticky, sugary anal secretions -- from treetop colonies throughout Harris County.
• WE'LL TAKE THE GIANT APHIDS
  In tribute to Houston's unofficial status as the capital of prescription cough-syrup abuse, rapper Big Moe titled his new CD City of Syrup and adorned the cover with purple liquid oozing over our skyline.
• WE HEAR THERE'S A HIGH-LEVEL OPENING IN THE HPD
  After squeals from a pot-bellied pig named Annabelle led Arkansas cops to a Houston man fleeing a drug bust, investigator Todd Sanders said, "I'm thinking about giving it a job."
• DOUG, MEET ANNABELLE
  Santa Fe band director Doug Morris was ordered to sensitivity training by school trustees after he regaled students with off-color jokes, told them pigs can experience 30-minute orgasms and said he wished he were a pig.
• YOUR PARKING SPACE OR YOUR LIFE
  Visitors to downtown were terrorized by rogue valet parkers who harassed them for parking in legal public spaces, claimed the spaces were theirs and threatened to have them towed.

• FIRST THE GOOD NEWS
  Three parking spaces in front of HPD headquarters were freed up for witnesses and citizens wishing to file complaints.
• NOW THE BAD
  The three spaces are under a large live oak often filled with dozens of black birds that leave crusty masses of multicolored goo on the cars that park there.
• WHERE'S MARVIN ZINDLER WHEN YOU NEED HIM?
  Less than 48 hours after running over her husband with her Mercedes-Benz in the parking lot of a Nassau Bay hotel, Clara Harris called the Blue Moon private detective agency and asked for a refund. She had paid the agency to follow her husband to see if he was having an affair.
• HERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING IN THE FINE PRINT
  Blue Moon told Harris she was not entitled to a refund because she violated the terms of the contract by showing up at the hotel where he was having a tryst.
• THEY WERE JUST MAD ABOUT BEING STEREOTYPED BY DOUG MORRIS
  Marauding wild hogs terrorized the Clear Lake area, ripping up lawns, gardens, medians and golf courses in their search for food.
• DIET ANOTHER DAY
  For his last meal, condemned killer Stanley Baker ordered two 16-ounce ribeyes, 12 strips of bacon, two large hamburgers, two loaded baked potatoes, four slices of cheese or a half-pound of grated cheddar, chef salad with blue cheese dressing, two ears of corn on the cob, one pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and four vanilla Cokes.
• ROBIN HOOD LIVES
  A would-be car thief in northeast Harris County died after he was shot in the buttocks by the vehicle owner, who was armed with a bow and arrow.
• THEY'RE MURDER ON FLUFFY CLOUDS
  A Spring company unveiled a plan to retrofit German military tanks from the 1960s for use as firefighting vehicles.
• THEY FLED AFTER THE REPUBLICAN LEADERSHIP COUNCIL DEMANDED THEY WEAR PANTS
  Montgomery County animal control officers went on the alert after coyotes were spotted in The Woodlands.
• MONTGOMERY COUNTY IN MY REARVIEW MIRROR
  Montgomery High School Principal Bobby Morris banned the official 2003 senior class T-shirts from campus because they read "Kiss My Class Goodbye!"
• IS THAT YOUR SPIRIT SHOWING, OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE US?
  Victor Lombrana, a 17-year-old from La Porte, streaked across the football field during his high school's game against Deer Park, later explaining he did it to show his spirit.
• TRESSED OUT
  Sixteen-year-old Sarah Haim transferred to Bellaire High School from Fort Bend County's Clements High after she was suspended for dyeing her hair pink as a means of self-expression.
• SOMEWHERE, DENNIS RODMAN IS SMILING
  Sarah said her first day at Bellaire was encouraging because "I saw a girl there with blue hair."
• THAT'S WHY THEY CALL THEM POWER STRUGGLES
  About 72,000 residences and businesses in southwest Houston lost their power after a 15-year-old-girl climbed a high-voltage utility tower, apparently after an argument with her mother.

Bring on 2003, eh?? Hopefully, it will be at least as entertaining.