February 7, 2003 6:30 AM

The war next door??

North Dakota Found To Be Harboring Nuclear Missiles

As if it isn't enough that we have to deal with potential threats from Iraq and North Korea, now we apparently have to deal with a threat from within our own borders.

BISMARCK, ND—The stage was set for another international showdown Monday, when chief U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix confirmed that the remote, isolationist state of North Dakota is in possession of a large stockpile of nuclear missiles.

"Satellite photos confirm that the North Dakotans have been quietly harboring an extensive nuclear-weapons program," said Blix, presenting his findings in a speech to the U.N. Security Council. "Alarmingly, this barely developed hinterland possesses the world's most technologically advanced weapons of mass destruction, capable of reaching targets all over the world."

A threat from within??

After initially offering no comment on the report, North Dakota officials admitted to having a stockpile of 1,710 warheads at two military sites and confirmed that the state has been home to an active nuclear-weapons-development program for decades.

Blix called the revelation a "terrifying prospect for the world at large."

Within hours of the announcement, U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan urged North Dakota to abandon its program.

"This is clearly an excessive number of weapons for a place like North Dakota to possess," Annan said. "In this post-Cold War environment, we should be moving away from nuclear proliferation among developing states."

European leaders also spoke out in opposition to North Dakota's weapons program.

"North Dakota, still in its cultural infancy, cannot be trusted to responsibly handle weapons of mass destruction," French President Jacques Chirac said. "We are talking about a place that doesn't even have a Thai restaurant or movie theater that shows foreign films, but still they have the resources to build thousands of warheads. Do not believe their claims of being 'The Peace Garden State.'"

According to Chirac, North Dakota's development of nuclear arms "represents a grave threat to peaceful states the world over, none more so than its longtime neighbor and rival across the 45th Parallel, South Dakota."

"The South Dakotans, while a simple people themselves, are friendly, hospitable, and far more in touch with the outside world," Chirac said. "Many people, myself included, have passed through and seen the Badlands and Mount Rushmore. North Dakota, on the other hand, is a bleak, racially homogeneous state that few people ever enter or exit."

So, what's next, you ask? Sean Penn making a heavily-publicized visit to Fargo? Susan Sarandon extolling the virtues of the peaceful people of Bismarck? Is there any hope for a peaceful resolution of this problem?. Is it possible that the leadership of the "Peace Garden State" are in truth bent on total world domination?

Frankly, a war against North Dakota does make a lot of sense. For one thing, it would certainly be a whole lot less expensive, and you wouldn't have to worry about those pesky Saudis.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 7, 2003 6:30 AM.

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