May 18, 2003 7:26 AM

Homeland Insecurity

Important Anti-Terrorist Safety Tips

As a public service to my valued readers, I offer these safety tips from the Department of Homeland Security. Remember, the person that you THINK is your best friend could well be a closet terrorist. It's our job as vigilant Americans to help ferret out those Godless heathens who would threaten our way of life.

Be vigilant! The enemy is all around. Americans observing any of the following are hereby commanded to contact the FBI immediately:

- Brown-skinned persons conversing in heated jibberish

- Turban-wearing persons demonstrating emotions other than all-American bliss and contentment

- Sidewalk falafel vendors of ambiguous ethnicity who are unwilling to make change for a fifty

- Arabic store owners or cab drivers who have not begun prominently displaying at least 3 American flags

- Middle Eastern persons who become visibly uncomfortable and/or upset when confronted with your suspicious and hostile stares

- Burka-clad transvestites

Remember, just because they look different doesn't mean that they AREN'T different....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on May 18, 2003 7:26 AM.

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