You know, I'd always wondered...how can I become a big-time blogger? I've pondered the realities, and then I found it- the answer I'd been looking for all along, thanks to Dawn Olsen:
*First and foremost, POST OFTEN. POST EVERY POSSIBLE MINUTE EVEN AT THE EXPENSE OF YOUR FAMILY, JOB, and BASIC FREEDOM TO EXIST. The most important thing you can do is POST!
*BE OUTRAGEOUS, BE AUDACIOUS and BE AS BIG OF AN ASSHOLE AS YOU CAN POSSIBLY BE. Even when you are posting the most mundane of things, which will be necessary as you dredge every last detail of your existence looking for something to say, say it with attitude.
*USE TONS OF CURSE WORDS AND SHOW YOUR DEPTH IN BEING FOUL. The only way to attract readers is to offend them or offend others which of course they will be amused by, because EVERYONE loves to see another human suffer.
*SHOW YOURSELF HALF-NAKED as frequently as possible, or just keep a current picture of yourself half-naked on your site. If your content sucks, they can always come and look at the half-naked person's picture. Basically debase yourself for all the world to see. People love that!
*PICK FIGHTS WITH OTHER BLOGGERS. This is a sure fire guarantee hitmaker. Number one, you will raise the ire of the blogger in question and they will retaliate (if they have any balls, right?) and if you are lucky, their readers and your readers will join in an have a link-o-rama of insults and vile canards. Number two, nothing breeds hits like the controversy of mud-slinging. Again we humans love to see people suffer.
*LAST BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY - SAY ROTTEN THINGS ABOUT THE BIGTIME BLOGGERS - If you are truly desperate, and your hubris and ego are just out of control and you can't stand to be ignored by those who wield the true traffic power, accuse them of horrible things and throw rocks and insults their way. Not only will this get their attention, but everyone will come flocking to watch you crash and burn as you make a complete mockery of yourself. Remember, it's not about content and quality, it's about you, you, you, you and you alone. YOU ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT MOTHEREFFER ON THE PLANET. The bigtime bloggers are only there cause YOU haven't crushed them with your greatness.
Of course, if these rules represent to path to greatness, perhaps it's time to admit that my mediocre little corner of the Internet is OK just the way it is. I average roughly 200-250 visitors a day, nothing to brag about, but nothing to sniff at either. When I begin to feel like do this is a pointless exercise in mental masturbation, I remind myself that there are people out there who actually READ what I have to say- sometimes on a daily basis (Don't you people have jobs to go to??).
I suppose you can be a self-righteous, insufferable ass if that is what gets you through the night, but that's not really my style. I grew up in Minnesota, and "Minnesota Nice" has always been something I've tried (albeit unconsciously most of the time) to live by. Besides, there are plenty of a******s out there, and you know who you are. In the meantime, I'll keep on doing whatever it is that I do. Don't worry, I really AM making this up as I go along....
