There comes a point in our lives when all of us have to deal with mortality, whether or own or that of our significant other. Tonight I got a fleeting glimpse of that reality, and it's an abyss I don't much care to look into. I just got home from spending most of the night in the emergency room with Susan. She's been extremely ill over the past couple days, and tonight her doctor told us to go to the ER. There is something horribly disconcerting about watching your spouse hooked up to an IV with no idea what is wrong. We still don't really know exactly what is wrong with her, but it is amazing what a medical professional can do with enough Demerol. Thankfully, she's in bed and sound asleep now, but I need some time to wind down.
This is not the kind of thing that one really prepares for in marriage school. In between the "I do's" and becoming grandparents, sometimes this sort of crisis arrives, and then what do you do? All of the power and authority you may wield in your normal milieu goes straight out the window, and your fate is suddenly in the hands of those who make careers out of playing God. Powerlessness is not a feeling I adapt to easily, but tonight I had no choice. I was an innocent bystander, more of an obstruction than anything else. I wanted to yell and scream at someone for something, but of course I did none of that . I wouldn't have known where to start.
I imagine that it's probably quite normal in a situation like this to be thinking thoughts like "I wonder if we have enough life insurance?" or "What happens to Eric?" (Do we ever REALLY plan for the worst-case scenario?) Thankfully, in this case it's also a bit melodramatic, but the fear created by not knowing why your spouse is suffering can play tricks on one's mind.
Normally, I would be up in about three hours and at work by 7.30. Somehow, I don't think any of that will be happening in quite the way it normally does. I only hope that I will be able to stop worrying and get some sleep....
