Business Solutions: The Ass Copier
From the land that gave us hockey players and cold fronts comes the latest in office-party technology:
IN THE WORKPLACE -- For longer than anyone can remember, ass-copying technology has always been too far "behind" the times, taking up the rear in function-specific business innovations. However, there is a new business product available which is expected to give the rump-replicating market a good kick in the pants--the ass copier.
The Ass Copier 5000 is the ideal business device for reproducing cheeky materials.
The revolutionary ASS 5000 ass copier, a spanking-new business tool, has been introduced to plug a gaping hole in office administration. Before the creation of a back-end solution, copying products were unable to meet the demand of partying office workers or disgruntled mail-room staff. Attempts to scan company cornholes usually led to serious damage to existing equipment, which was never intended for posterior reproductions.
One of the advantages of the new specialized stern equipment will be the reduced damage to existing standard copiers. After only a few fannies, the ass copier will have paid for itself. The flat screens of normal copiers were never intended to support the heavy weight of human hindsides. The tempered plate glass panel of the new ass copiers will support the bottoms of most of the office staff.
Realizing that support is important in situations where alcohol may be consumed, the ASS 5000 goes the extra mile by sporting arms, a backrest, and an optional drink-holder. A fold-out step-ladder is conveniently set inside the front panel for height-challenged members of the office.
A contoured keister seat is also available as an upgrade, but critics claim the moulded glass distorts the photocopies, making the model look over-weight.
The ASS 5000 isn't all about appearances, though. With the latest electronics inside, it will reduce running costs with programmed multi-functionality: scanning, faxing and printing--all possible from the same sitting. Thus, while photocopying 50 copies of your derriere for distribution in the lunch room, a high-resolution scan can be sent to the main server for emailing to outside clients or faxed directly to a programmed list of recipients.
Most business photocopy machines are still black and white. While the base model ASS 5000 uses standard toner, the ASS 5001 is a full-colour machine with a special skin-tone palette for more accurate reproductions--without constant recalibration. The manufacturer claims accuracy for everyone from the whitest white to the most tanned black--and everyone in between.
At a stellar 20 cheeks-per-minute the machine is fast enough for "run-and-grab" moments when you know the boss is just around the corner. A special teflon-like coating on the glass means smears, smudges, and streaks are easy to remove.
The bottom line is that the ASS 5000 and ASS 5001 are the business solutions to meet your ass-copying requirements.
Call now; operators are standing by....
