November 18, 2003 4:53 AM

Finally, Satan gets serious...yeah, right

MLB to start mandatory Steroid testing

More than 5 percent of Major League Baseball players test positive for steroids

Major League Baseball's new anti-steroid policy may be a bit difficult to for some folks to follow, so I thought I'd perform a public service and break it down a bit.

There are five levels to MLB's new policy. The following is one man's interpretation of how it is supposed to work:

  1. The first positive steroid test will result in the player being sent to his room without room service.

  2. The second positive test will result in the player losing his per diem money and his postgame call girl.

  3. The third positive test will result in the player having to give up two days' appearances on SportsCenter's highlights.

  4. The fourth positive test will result in the player being forced to go to confession and say four "Hail Marys", even if he is not Catholic.

  5. The fifth positive test will result in the player having to appear on ESPN's Rome Is Burning, where host Jim Rome will hold both he and Commissioner Bud Selig up to some richly-deserved ridicule, after which the player will be admonished to not let it happen again.

You see, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically, eh??

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 18, 2003 4:53 AM.

Canada has it's own football league?? was the previous entry in this blog.

Bacon and eggs again? (Or, "So this is why the house always smells like fried food?") is the next entry in this blog.

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