November 21, 2003 5:33 AM

How's about y'all chase some real kriminulz??

Imagine my surprise when I came home from work yesterday to discover that Eric is on the brink of becoming a criminal. Whodathunkit?? Well, hey, we DID get a letter from the District Attorney's office. Apparently, the good civil servants in the DA's office have WAY too much time on their hands. Now that they've cleared the streets of drug dealers, child molesters, and murderers, it's obviously time to go after that #1 public menace: TRUANCY. OHMIGOD, I had NO IDEA....

Charles A. Rosenthal, Jr.
District Attorney
Harris County, Texas




November 20, 2003




Ms. Susan Dorfmeister
344 Neverland Ranch
Seabrook, TX, 77586




RE:
Student: Eric Preston Dorfmeister
Date of Birth: July 20, 1987
Race/Gender: White/Male




Dear Ms. Dorfmeister:

I am sure you are aware of the importance of your child receiving a quality education. However, you may be unaware that your child's failure to attend school constitutes a crime for which both you and your child may be charged. It is the parent's duty to monitor a student's school attendance and require the student to attend school. School records at Clear Lake High School for the 11th grade indicate your child, Eric Preston Dorfmeister, has had unexcused absences on:

10/17/2003 11/06/2003 11/07/2003

Such conduct constitutes a crime. It is a Class C offense, which you, or your child, or both may be fined up to $500.00 in a Justice of the Peace Court. Please consider this letter a warning. Should your child receive additional unexcused absences, a criminal charge will be filed and prosecuted by the District Attorney's office.

Please contact your child's school immediately upon receipt of this letter to schedule a conference with school administration to discuss your child's unexcused absences.




Respectfully,






Dena Fisher
Assistant District Attorney
Harris County, Texas

Say what? First of all, let me state for the record that the miscreant in question, my youngest stepson, Eric, is one of the most responsible people I know (and yes, I'm including adults in this equation). He's a mature, respectful, 16-year-old boy of whom any parent would be proud (unless they WANT a crackhead for a son). So why is he now being treated as a criminal? Perhaps the DA's office is upset because they've exhausted this fiscal year's doughnut budget??

The three dates in question are all for out-of-town debate tournaments. Two of those dates were covered by a note from his mother which he turned in to the Administration Office. Apparently, they must have lost the note- ergo, I am now the proud stepfather of a budding junior felon.

Now, being the reasonable sort that I am, I thought I would respond in writing. It seemed a more reasoned response that firebombing the DA's office, no??

The Rt. Hon. Jack R. Cluth, Esq
Chief Executioner and Lord of All He Surveys
The People's Republic of Seabrook, Texas




November 21, 2003




Ms. Dena Fisher
Assistant District Attorney
Harris County, Texas




RE: Your letter dated November 20, 2003




Dear Ms. Fisher:

I appreciate your concern for the edumacation of my young stepson. Prior to your letter, I had been wholly ignorant of the importance of said edumacation. Yes, it is true, if he aspires to anything more than a career flipping burgers, he WILL need to know the difference between a noun and a...uh...oh, yeah...verb.

Of course, if you could have been bothered to lift a finger from your powdered doughnut, you might have discovered (through some tedious, time-consuming investigative work) that Eric missed those three days for DEBATE TOURNAMENTS. He even turned in a note from his mother that covered two of those dates, but the minimum-wage secretary must have lost them during her crack break.

I must admit that I HAVE been worried about Eric skipping school to smoke crack and have wild, unprotected sex. I appreciate your efforts to control the threat to the fabric of our society that is truancy. From now on, you can bet that Eric will be chained and duct-taped to his bed when he comes home from school and fed only raw meat. That ought to show him, eh???

Hugs and kisses,






Jack Cluth
Chief Booger Washer
The People's Republic of Seabrook, Texas

Ah, I feel SO much better now. It's always good when you can make a difference in a child's life, isn't it?? It's nice to know that I may have just saved Eric from a life of recidivism, crack, and unprotected sex. Anyone care to nominate me for Stepfather of the Year?? I've got my acceptance speech all set to go. It's right here, next to my crack pipe....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on November 21, 2003 5:33 AM.

"I wish President Bush would ask me to write a speech for him now." was the previous entry in this blog.

Next time, I'll just go through the drive-through lane is the next entry in this blog.

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