One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don't do anything at all
Go ask Alice
When she's ten feet tall
- Jefferson Airplane
Is it just me, or is something straight out of "The Jetsons"?? What's next, personal hovercrafts? Robot maids?
What's all the excitement about? A synthetic hormone that could solve your beauty and bedroom needs all at the same time. It sounds too good to be true, but scientists at the University of Arizona say doubt no more.
Dr. Robert Dorr said, "You could theoretically get tanned and have, certainly, a lot of erectile activity and you might actually start to lose weight."
Because of its promises of perfection, the hormone has been nicknamed the "Barbie drug." It sounds funny, but it started as serious work.
Skin cancer researchers decided to test the hormone called melanotan II on a group of men. Their hope? To stimulate a natural tan without the sun. But in addition to the glowing skin they got, researchers stumbled on surprising side effects. They were so exciting that one researcher even tried it out on himself.
"After about ten days of taking this melanotan II, I lost about ten pounds," said Dr. Mac Hadley.
"We know that it causes a short-term feeling of fullness or nausea."
Researchers say the hormone also triggers immediate sexual benefits.
"Even at a very low starting dose, every subject had an erection," said Dr. Dorr.
CHA-CHING!!! This is like a capitalist's wet dream. Don't all of us want to be thin, sexy, and have a bigger wiener? (Thank YOU, Mr. Foot Long Hot Dog Inventor!!) Don't you think we'd all pay big bucks for that?? Viagra ain't got nothin' on this!!
Seriously, though, does anyone really have ANY clue what the long-term effects of this might be? Of course not, because no long-term testing has been done. Am I going to have to worry about growing fur on my palms when I'm 65? Or having three testicles? Come back when you have a better idea; maybe then we'll talk.
When logic and proportion
Have fallen sloppy dead
And the White Knight is talking backwards
And the Red Queen's "off with her head!"
Remember what the dormouse said:
"Feed your head
Feed your head
Feed your head"