OK, I know we all like to save money whenever we can, but some of us are just a wee bit too fixated on the whole idea. Check out these ideas:
1. Flowers for a wedding can be so expensive. A good way to reduce the cost is to drive through a couple of cemeteries the night before the wedding, and pick up a couple of the bouquets that are lying on the ground.
2. To do a quick wax job on my car, I use furniture wax. It buffs really well.
3. Train your cats to use the toilet! I was spending a fortune on kitty litter until I read about teaching your cat to use the toilet. It took a little training, but eventually they got it. They're neat about it and I save lots of money!
4. Put that beer down! Save what you'd normally spend on beer. By the time you retire you'll be able to afford all the beer you want. A six-pack a day is what -- $5 for the good stuff? Five dollars a day is over $1800 a year! You know who you are. Invest this amount now, and you can buy all the beer you want when you're retired. I might even do the same.
5. Don't throw away the plastic backing in the package of sliced bacon. Wash it well, and place it between servings of raw meat before freezing. This saves on plastic wrap and is reusable.
6. Make more than what you spend.
7. When eating out, save on the expense of a soda by ordering a glass of water with lemon. Spice it up with a packet or two of sweetener, and it will taste like lemonade. No charge, no tax and no tip on that.
8. Use the squeegee at the gas station to wash your car.
9. Marry and stay married to a frugal spouse.
10. Never buy sandwich bags or storage bags again. Use the liners from cereal boxes and newspaper wrappers.
11. Pick up every penny or coin you see on the street. You will get richer!
12. Marry a man who can fix things. It saves thousands each year!
13. Whenever my family goes to a fast-food place, we grab handfuls of the free ketchup, mustard, salt, pepper, etc. Then at home my kids transfer the contents of the ketchup packets into the partially full bottle. We have only had to buy one large ketchup bottle in the last two years! Haven't bought salt and pepper in ages. It's a real giveaway!
14. Eat Cheerios!
15. Instead of buying toilet paper, I use yesterday's newspaper.
16. Make your local print shop your office. Use their supplies. The IRS takes a pretty dim view about people claiming home office space. Why get in trouble with a possible audit? Some print shops even have phones. Make your calls from there. Take your laptop there and use their electricity for free.
17. For mere pennies a day, you can feed yourself with dog food. And you will probably be healthier, as this diet is probably better than 95 percent of the typical North American diet. I would suggest dry dog food, though, as the canned varieties are not nearly as tasty.
18. Tell nearly everyone that you are going out of town this Christmas and will not return until after New Year's Day. Then buy most of your gifts during the after-Christmas sales.
19. Unplug clocks in your house while sleeping.
20. Next time you need an umbrella, go to your local public library and ask for the lost and found department. Tell them that you left your black umbrella at the library last month. They will show you a selection of several black umbrellas. Select the most expensive and it's yours. The bigger the library, the better the selection of umbrellas.
Of course, this is a start, but I think we could probably take this to the next level. So, here's my contribution to the madness (tastefulness optional, of course):
1) Re-use toilet paper. Why shouldn't we be able to use a little soap and water, rinse, and then hang it out to dry in the sun? In the warm Texas sunshine, I can do this year-round.
2) Check under tables and desks for chewing gum that might be recyclable. Watch out for the boogers, though. (Warning: if it's green, it's probably not chewing gum.)
3) Rather than buying chamois cloths for waxing my car, I just grab one of the neighborhood cats. When one is used up, I simply chase another one down. (Could this be why they all run when they see me coming??)
4) Learn how to load your own bullets. When you're done emptying your clip on that neighbor kid who keeps traipsing across your lawn, simply pick up the empty cartridges and reload them.
5) Not many people realize this, but coffee grounds can be reused for up to a week.
6) Who needs automobile insurance when we have Photoshop and laser printers??. With a little practice, you can turn out good-as-the-real-thing insurance cards. This also makes for a profitable little at-home business.
7) Sure, the commercials tell you to change your oil every 3,000 miles, but depending on the type of vehicle you drive, you may actually be able to go as far as 25,000 miles between oil changes. Just wait until you hear an annoying, metallic grinding sound- that's your signal that it's time to change your oil.
8) You'd be surprised at how much you can save on birth control pills by marrying someone who is in prison for multiple life sentences and isn't allowed conjugal visits.
9) Want high-speed internet but can't afford it? Just buy a wireless card and drive through your neighborhood until you get a connection. Downloading porn is so much better when you're using someone else's connection.
10) Can't afford a funeral for your spouse? Try this idea: get a shovel, a hacksaw, and a few plastic bags. You've got a backyard, right??
11) Why pay service charges at a bank? Put those old coffee cans to use. ("Retirement fund? Yep, all my money's in agriculture- it's buried out in the garden.")
12) Want a new car, but you're upside down on your current one? Here's an idea: a little charcoal starter fluid and a box of matches goes a long ways. Grab some marshmallows and some wienies and enjoy your handiwork.
13) Need a little extra money, but you've been told that you can only donate plasma twice a week? With a couple fake drivers licenses, you could easily donate 2-3 times a DAY.
14) Need your porn fix, but can't afford cable? Try this money-saver: use a digital video camera with a telephoto lens to check out your randy newlywed neighbors. You can also make good money by selling your video masterpieces on the Internet. Your neighbors will thank you for the exposure.
15) OK, so the new 20-dollar bills ARE more difficult to counterfeit. That doesn't mean you can't supplement your income by counterfeiting other bills. With a minimal initial investment and some practice, you can literally print your own money! Need some extra cash before payday? Gambling debts beginning to pile up? Is your crack habit a drain on your finances? No problem, honey; give me 10 minutes and I'll have that $50,000 your bookie needs!!
You see, with some creativity and a suspension of those annoying morals and personal standards, it really IS possible to save a whole lot of money. Enjoy, and if any if y'all have your own ideas, feel free to share them with me. I'm always looking to save a little money when I can.