My friend The Scarlet Pimpernel is, as usual, up to no good, but it sounds as if he's having fun doing it. This time it was at the expense of Alan Colmes on "Fox News Live":
The guest was a pro-war catholic priest and I called in as "Jason from Oceanside", speaking in a semi-hick/nascar-dad accent. Warning: this text gets very graphic, but it was damn gratifying to have it broadcast on Fox.
Jason: "Thanks for having me on Alan - I consider myself to be a god-fearing Christian and a big supporter of my country and I just wanna tell you about the sermon I listened to yesterday in church. The subject was "Who would Jesus Bomb?" and the answer was pretty much 'nobody.' The major point the priest was making was that bombing, ALL bombing... was just plain cowardly, and it didn't matter if it was us doing it or anybody else, but what it all boiled down to was that bombing is cowardly and Jesus wouldn't support it. And he said his inspiration for the sermon had come from the Pentagon itself - when they said the reason they thought the Iraqi Army folded so quickly was because they were mostly just conscripts, y'know... just kids pulled from outta their villages... So I gotta wonder why, y'know... why we gotta kill all these kids who had nothin' to do with it... "
Alan: So what do you say father? This is what's being said in some churches."
Father Donahue: Uhhh yeah, I think they should find another religion - why don't they become Quakers? My religion, Roman Catholicism, rejects that totally and that's why they have the most sophisticated understanding of what a Just War...
Alan Colmes: This is priests who are saying this... Catholic Priests!
Father Donohue: That's right and you'll find, uh, no end to the number of nuns in this country who are pro-abortion and nobody wants to talk about that - all I'm telling you is they don't represent the teachings of the Catholic Church. The teachings of the Catholic church are found in the catechism, the ministry of the Pope and...
Alan Colmes: Alright Jason, thanks for your call...
Jason: May I? May I just interject one more time?
AC: Yes.
Jason: The most striking thing that he talked about was something called "overpressure", which is not the explosive force of the bomb but the pressure wave that radiates around the bomb... and that what that does is that it implodes the sinuses and the eardrums of the people who are there...
AC: Yeah, Bombing isn't good for ya...
Jason: and that what happens is your cerebral spinal fluid - your brain fluid, leaks out through your nose and through your ears...
AC: Right...
Jason: And that you don't die right away... You're as good as dead, but you don't die right away...
AC: (Uncomfortable) Right, right... right.
Jason: And that these are just kids... That was the point he was really trying to make - these were just kids pulled outta villages! and they don't have a chance! They didn't have a chance to fight back... And they just gotta lie there - starin' up at the sky and prayin' to whatever God they got to pray to...
AC: (Throughout) Uh, yeah, right... right, uh right...
Jason: While their brain fluid is drippin' out through their nose and through their ears...
AC: Uh Jason I gotta move on...
Jason: And it's our tax dollars that are payin' for this...
AC: Uh, Jason, thank you for your call, I thank you very much.
So, did Colmes go out and specifically find a Roman Catholic priest who just happens to be a Conservative Republican? I wasn't aware the Jesus Christ even HAD a political affiliation.
So who would Jesus bomb? And would he use the Holy Hand Grenade (apologies to Monty Python)? Silly me; I'd always been indoctrinated to believe that Jesus was something of a pacifist.
