NHL needs some help, so here it is
It seems like everyone has ideas on how to improve the NHL brand of hockey. Hey, what the heck; I'll listen to anyone who knows icing from offsides. I'm not so sure Norm Chad fits that bill, but even with his "no hockey policy", he still thinks he's got something to say. You be the judge:
[I]f they were playing an NHL game in my backyard, I would lower the blinds and watch billiards on TV -- but in this case, because of my commitment to a better sporting America, I am here to help.
So even though he's not my favorite commissioner, here's my 10-Point Plan To Save Gary Bettman From Himself.
- Switch from three 20-minute periods to two 30-minute halves.
- Get rid of the Canadian teams. It's too far north, and it's far too cold up there. Sure, Canadians are some of the nicest people in the world, but we've been carrying the load for them for too long. (We gave them Coca-Cola and Madonna; they gave us Labatt's and Celine Dion.) Plus, if memory serves correctly, I don't think they lifted a finger when we invaded Iraq.
- Let's also lose the Sun Belt teams. What, folks in Carolina, Florida, Nashville, Phoenix and Atlanta want to watch hockey in May? I think not. And let's not stop with the Sun Belt -- why does Southern California have the Kings and the Mighty Ducks? LA needs two hockey teams like Switzerland needs two navies.
- In fact, let's contract all the way back to the original six teams. Uh, Norm, two of the Original Six teams were Canadian....
- This is so obvious I shouldn't have to say it: Reduce ticket prices. The NHL's average ticket price is $43.57. What is this, Sinatra playing the Sands? It's a hockey game, for crying out loud, and I ain't shelling out a couple of double sawbucks for a 2-2 tie.
- Don't lock out the players next season. The fact of the matter is, hockey players know how to do one thing and one thing only -- play hockey -- so if you don't let them do that, they just might take to the streets and start cross-checking meter maids and pillaging small villages.
- Plus, it makes no sense to interrupt a season people might not return to. If you take, say, a Blue Jackets-Hurricanes game away from the public, I'm not so sure they will be lined up around the block to see that baby when it's rescheduled.
- Bag the TV contract and go with radio only. This will create a buzz, an air of mystique about the game. Besides, nobody's watching this stuff on TV anyway.
- Make the hockey rink more like a pinball machine. Create some on-ice obstacles, maybe some trap doors, or cut a couple of fishing holes -- if you fall in, you stay down there for five minutes, like in a penalty box.
- Use a soccer ball instead of a hockey puck. We'd finally be able to see what they're all slapping their sticks at, and, somewhat ironically, the soccer ball would increase scoring.
Gee, thanks, Norm, but I'm not sure Lord Bettman is going to be terribly enthusiastic about these ideas, although creating obstacles on the ice DOES have some potential....
Of course, in a few months, it probably won't matter. If owners make good on their threat to lock out players, you just might be able to kiss the NHL goodbye. Will anyone REALLY miss those dramatic Kings-Predators nail biters? Nah....
If the owners are stupid enough to lock out players, they run the very real risk of killing the Golden Goose. This might just turn out to be a good thing, though; both sides could stand to be knocked down a notch or three. A lockout just might turn out to be the ultimate reality check.
What if the NHL went away and no one noticed? Don't laugh, y'all; it's not by any means out of the realm of possibility. There's always college hockey...GO GOPHERS!!
