February 24, 2004 7:35 AM

We have nothing to fear but...well, pretty much everything

I re-discovered yesterday morning why I hate...no, DETEST...local news stations. All they have to sell is fear. Of what, you ask? Well, you wouldn't be far off if you assumed that you should be afraid of just about anything and everything. This is from a radio ad that I heard:

Bagged salads- they're healthy, convenient, and safe- or ARE they? Could these fast alternatives actually be DANGEROUS? Tune in at 10 tonight, when 11News shows you how you may be placing your family at risk by serving salads out of a bag.

Gosh, now I'm TERRIFIED. Could I REALLY be risking the health and safety of my family by serving them salads out of a bag? Well, OK, so only Susan and I would be at risk, since Eric won't touch anything green or even remotely vegetable-like. We'll die a horrbly painful dysentery death, and he will be left alone with his dog and our five cats. Rotsa ruck, little buddy....

Gee, and I always thought that I'd be safe once I stopped washing the lettuce in the dog's water dish. How could I have been so naive?

I suddenly find myself thinking about all of the other things that may present hidden risks. You see, if I never watched another local news program, I could live in blissful ignorance of the myriad threats to my safety. Of course, since I can't resist the temptation, I now know about things like the creepy hooded man who rings doorbells in Pasadena at 4 a.m. and then strokes a Barbie Doll when someone looks out through the peephole. Now THAT is news I can use....

They LOOK innocent enough- 12-ounce cans of Diet Coke. If you knew what Eyewitness News knows, you'd think twice about popping that tab. Tune in at 10 tonight, when we show you how that cold, refreshing diet soda may be putting you and your family's health and safety in jeopardy....

Boxers or briefs? It's a question most males address at some point in their lives- but do you know about the hidden health risks involved in this choice? News2Houston will show how the choice you make may impact your health and safety....

Yeesh...hold me; I'm scared....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 24, 2004 7:35 AM.

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener was the previous entry in this blog.

He's also head of the Unfortunate Pun Subcommittee is the next entry in this blog.

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