Today is my 44th birthday. I say that not so much because I'm in search of affirmation, but more because it's time for my annual existential crisis. You know the one- "My God, I'm XX years old, and what do I have to show for it? What have I accomplished? Who will miss me if I were to disappear today?" Yeah, THAT existential crisis.
With the creeping onset of middle age, I've begun to realize that this IS my life- no do-overs, no re-starts. It has been anything but a straight line, but I can't say that I would change a whole lot. I may not be a big fan of my job, but jobs come and go. My life? Well, now that would be tough to complain about. As I sit at my kitchen table on a beautiful and temperate south Texas Sunday morning, it's hard not to feel on top of the world. I can look out at the lake in the back yard, I can listen to the birds sing, and the realization hits me that, yes, I do have a pretty good life. Sometimes, this does feel an awful lot like Paradise.
I am at the age where I'm beginning to understand where the idea of "mid-life crisis" comes from. In one's mid-40s, it's easy to feel insignificant, and it would be even easier to chase after one's lost youth. At this point in my life, I am what I am. Oh, I can fiddle around the edges a bit, but I am largely a finished product. No, I will never win the Masters, I will never win an NBA title, I will never be a foreign correspondent, and I will never date a supermodel (much to Susan's relief, I imagine).
It would be easy to concentrate on the things I'm NOT, instead of celebrating what I AM. Today, though, I'm going to try and think about all of the good things in my life. The woman I'm hoping to grow old and ornery with is taking me to an Astros game, and I'm going to enjoy the pleasure of her company. After all, most everything in this life can be replaced, but the love of a good woman is definitely NOT replaceable. I'm going to let her spoil me today, and then perhaps tomorrow I'll go back to worrying about my miserable lot in life. ;0)
