June 21, 2004 6:50 AM

Back to the future

I called Dad yesterday, being that it was Father's Day and all. As I've grown older, talking to my father has become a link to my past as well as an indication of what my future may hold. Dad and I have never been particularly close. I spent most of my childhood at loggerheads with the man. If Dad said it was Black, I would argue from sunup 'til sundown that it was White. He may well have been right...ah, hell, he probably WAS right, but that hardly mattered. If nothing else, we do have a strong stubborn streak in common.

Because I was young and stupid and he was "old and stubborn" (or so I thought), I missed out on a lot. I was 27 before I could tell him that I loved hime. I was 25 before I was willing to recognize his right to be a flawed and imperfect human being. There was a stretch of 11 years where there was no contact of any sort between myself and my parents. I was angry, hurt, and tired of feeling as if I was the subject of their disapproval.

Two years ago, I finally decided that enough was enough. Though my father will be "only" 66 this coming Wednesday, he suffered a stroke when he was 53. Since then, he is a much different man. The thoughts are still there, the wheels still turn, but expressing himself is not nearly as easy as it used to be. It's hard not to feel as if a part of my father has been stolen from me. What makes it worse is that I had 11 years that I could have experienced him as he was, but I was too absorbed in my pride and anger. That is time I will never be able to recapture.

What makes it even tougher for me now is that Mom & Dad live in southwestern Wisconsin and I live on the Texas Gulf Coast. As I get older, I am coming to regret the distance between us more and more. Still, this is where my life is, and I have no regrets. Sometimes, though, I can't help but wonder what might happen if I were to live closer to my parents. Would we be able to develop, maintain, perhaps even strengthen a relationship? It's hard not to wonder what might have happened if....

I realize now that my parents will not be with us indefinitely. Strangely enough, I've never thought about what might happen when one or both parents pass on. Now that I find myself in my mid-40s, this is no mere academic exercise. Every day I spend 1000 miles away is one less day I will have with my father- and my mother- and at this stage of the game, it's not as if we're dealing with an unlimited amount of time here.

On some level, I suppose this is the same sort of angst that every person with aging parents has to come to grips with. In our case, it hasn't always been pretty, but at least we're talking. Part of me wishes that we weren't so far removed, but things are what they are. I can't change the past, but I am trying to improve the future. That's got to count for something, right?

blog comments powered by Disqus

Technorati

Technorati search

» Blogs that link here

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 21, 2004 6:50 AM.

This week's sign that the Apocalypse is upon us was the previous entry in this blog.

No, really; if only I could get a sign.... is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Contact Me

Powered by Movable Type 5.12