I write a great deal about the breadth and depth of human stupidity, and it's something that has long fascinated and amused me. Generally, though, it's a rather abstract concept, as my research usually digs up stories of severe common sense deficits from far-flung places. Never would I have expected my search for the stupid and the brain-cramped to take me next door on our quiet little cul-de-sac. Yep, that's right; I should be giving my neighbors a DUMB@$$ AWARD, but I'll preserve their anonymity- because that's just the giving kind of guy that I am.
I should start by mentioning that I heard this story from Susan, seeing as how I slept through all of the madness. Once I am asleep, not much wakes me, but I'm still wondering how I missed this clusterf**k. No one else did.
A couple of nights ago, the neighbor couple was drunk. This is a nightly occurrence (and that's another story), but on this night, the level of inebriation apparently choked off all blood flow to their brains, rendering them incapable of anything resembling rational thought. At about 1030pm, they decided to hop in their (just barely seaworthy) boat and row across the lake in our back yard. Once they reached the other shore, which just happens to run along a reasonably well-travelled road, they decided it was a beautiful night to do the horizontal mambo. That in and of itself is hardly a bad thing, but stay with me here. The fun is only beginning.
After finishing with their late-night delight, our drunk-off-their-@$$e$ neighbors decided a post-coital swim would be a lovely nightcap. Once she had had enough of swimming in their post-coital drunken bliss, Neighbor Woman decided to climb back into the boat. Of course, being quite drunk, and therefore severely lacking in coordination, all she managed to do was to flip the boat over. This wouldn't have been much of a problem- except that in the boat were their clothes, two cell phones, a wallet, and some car keys, all of which are now swimming with the fishes.
There they were- drunk, naked, and in the middle of the lake late at night. I imagine that by now you're beginning to appreciate their dilemma- how to get help without anyone noticing that they're naked. Well, Neighbor Man decides that one of them needs to swim back to the house to see if they can get help. Deciding that Neighbor Woman is the stronger swimmer, he asks her to swim for help. She, being the caring, and extremely drunk, wife that she is, balks at leaving him behind. Neighbor Man then decides to tell her that he only has the strength to tread water for a few minutes. Of course, this has anything but the intended effect. Neighbor Woman begins to panic, and in fact she begins screaming for help. This is where Susan comes into the story.
Thinking that she was hearing a cat fight outside, Susan went into the backyard. After figuring out what was happening, Susan called 911. Eric then leapt into action, waking up another neighbor who has a boat. To say that Eric was not met with open arms would be something of an understatement. Nonetheless, Our Hero crawled out of bed (unhappily, to say the least), and he eventually staggered out to his boat and rescued our sh**faced intrepid neighbors.
At about this time, the Seabrook Police showed up. Now, you would think that in a waterfront community on the Texas Gulf Coast, the police would show up equipped for a water rescue, right? WRONG. The police couldn't have been more poorly equipped if they'd shown up with a box of doughnuts and a pot of coffee. Just get a roll of stamps and mail it in, willya??
Eventually, most of the neighbors came out into their backyards- except me, of course. I was fast asleep, and blissfully unaware of the unfolding drama. Of course, the Neighbor Man and Neighbor Woman were still naked. Susan eventually managed to get everyone calmed down (Move along, people; nothing to see here....) and back into their houses, and even the police eventually lost interest and left. (What? No doughnuts??? We're outta here....)
I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to Neighbor Man and Neighbor Woman about their adventure. I'm not at all sure that I could talke to them without giggling like a junior high school kid. Something things are still better left unsaid, I suppose....
It figures that I would miss what little excitement occurs in this neighborhood. The last time something unusual happened on our quiet little cul-de-sac, Neighbor Woman had to be airlifted to a hospital via LifeFlight when she mixed cleaning solvents and passed out from the fumes. Susan and I were on our honeymoon when that happened, so I missed that one as well.
Of course, given that Neighbor Woman is an accident looking for a place to happen, it's just a matter of time before her next adventure. I only hope I'll be awake for this one.
