June 14, 2004 6:32 AM

People sure can be a**wipes, eh?

Before I launch into my latest saga of small-town depravity, I feel the need to issue something of a disclaimer. Some of y'all might be thinking that I'm a smug, arrogant, self-superior, self-righteous f**kwit who takes myself and my opinions just a wee bit too seriously just because I can string a few sentences together so they make sense. Really, I'm not any of those things- but I will admit to being an unvarnished smart@$$. Other than that, I'm generally a rather, shy, self-effacing sort who values my anonymity and is happiest behind the scenes. I have nothing against fame and fortune, but if I had my druthers, I'll stick with fortune and y'all can have the fame.

I'm also a strong proponent of non-violence. I've been in two fights in my life, both of which occurred within a week of each other in fifth grade. I retired with an 0-2 record, which made sense since I'd lost each by the equivalent of a TKO. Being a Buddhist, non-violence is part and parcel of how I try to lead my life. Yesterday morning, however those beliefs were sorely tested, and I'm afraid I almost failed the test....

Susan and I run a small eBay business on the side. She actually does most of the work, but since she hates going to the Post Office, I try to help out with that as much as I can. Since the Seabrook Post Office closes at noon on Saturdays, I headed over there with a few packages late in the morning.

The parking lot at the Seabrook Post Office is not particularly well-designed if you happen to be driving a large vehicle. Since I drive a full-size truck, squeezing into the narrow parking spots is always a challenge. On this occasion, it proved a whole lot more challenged than anything I could have anticipated.

I pulled into a parking spot next to large minivan, to which I initially paid little attention. I was too busy trying to wrestle a couple of large packages out of the passenger-side front seat. For some reason, I couldn't get the door to hold still while I got the packages out. Finally, in an effort to take care of business, I let the door come to rest gently (and let me emphasize gently) against the left side of the minivan. And then the fun began....

No sooner did my passenger door tap the side of the minivan than I heard a gruff voice announce in a rather unpleasant tone, "You'd better watch what you're doing!". I was somewhat miffed at this incivility, but managed to limit my response to "Excuse me sir, but that is EXACTLY what I'm trying to do."

"WELL, YOU'RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH, DAMNIT!"

I have no recollection of my response, but to say that I was upset and that my response was equally uncivil would be something of an understatement. Before I knew it, his minivan had rolled back a few inches (I'm assuming his foot slipped off the brake), tightly wedging my door into the sheetmetal of the minivan.

At this point, the driver, who had to be in his mid-60s, gets out of the vehicle, and begins screaming at me. Finally, all I could do was to ask him, "What in the HELL is your problem?"

"YOUR GOD*****D DOOR RAMMED INTO MINE!"

"Excuse me, sir, but I was attempting to resolve the problem when your van rolled back and jammed my door. How am I responsible for that?"

"NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOUR GOD*****D DOOR HADN'T SLAMMED INTO MINE!!"

Never mind, of course, that the only sound when my door contacted his van door was a barely audible metallic "tap". Though I attempted to point this out to him, it had no discernible effect on his rage.

The man then began to move towards me in a very aggressive and threatening manner. All I could think about was that I had come to the Post Office on a quiet Saturday morning to mail some packages, and now I was going to end up with an assault charge lodged against me after Susan bailed me out of jail. (And how would it look, me beating up a man in his mid-60s? THAT would score some points with the judge, eh?)

It was at this point that I must have decided that the best defense is a good offense, because all I remember is hissing at him: "IF YOU TAKE ANOTHER STEP TOWARDS ME, YOU WILL REGRET IT. I'D SUGGEST YOU BACK THE HELL AWAY FROM ME RIGHT NOW." That seemed to do the trick. Perhaps it dawned on him that, being significantly younger, I had a pronounced advantage. Of course, what he didn't know, and I certainly wasn't about to tell him, was that I can't fight my way out of a wet paper sack.

Once this tension broke, we resorted to screaming at one another, until we finally and mutually realized the futility of the spectacle we were creating. We were both acting like fools, and yet neither of us would back down. Finally, I decided that enough was enough. I yanked my door away from the minivan's sheet metal, leaving a visible scrape in the paint.

Since I deal with damage to automobiles on a daily basis, I know that they damage to his minivan will likely not exceed $150. Why did this @$$wipe think it necessary to be such a complete jackass over something so seemingly minor?

In the end, we exchanged information and went on our way. My adversary got back into his minivan with a jaunty "Have a nice day" and departed the scene. Yeah, I thought to myself, and f**k you very much.

I was quite shaken by the whole experience. My legs felt like rubber, my heart was beating, and I was exhausted, as if I'd gone 15 rounds with my conscience and lost. I hate the "fight or flight" reflex and the way it leaves me feeling. Emotionally, I was spent, and this sorry episode basically ruined my entire day. I really could have lived without that sort of adrenaline rush.

I take great pride in living my life in a non-violent manner, and in being a calm, self-possessed personality in control of my emotions. My reaction to this situation went against everything I believe about the way in which I try to lead my life. Perhaps there wasn't anything else I could have done, but I am not proud of the way I conducted myself. I made a complete ass of myself in public, and though I understand that this sorry episode was not completely my fault, I played a role in it, and for that I am ashamed of my actions.

Perhaps it was unavoidable. Perhaps I did do the only thing I could have done under the circumstances. Perhaps it was a situation where I did have to stand up for myself. There shouldn't be any shame in that, but it doesn't mean I have to be proud of the way I conducted myself. I expect better of myself. From where I sit, this @$$wipe dangled the bait in front of me, and I rose to the occasion.

The one thing I am grateful for is that neither Eric or Susan were there. I would not have wanted either of them to see me in that light. It's certainly not the example I aspire to set for Eric or anyone else.

Have a nice day, indeed....

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on June 14, 2004 6:32 AM.

Isn't about time someone held the man accountable for his corruption and venality? was the previous entry in this blog.

After all, it's barely the crack of noon is the next entry in this blog.

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