In honor of the tradition that is the Mexican "telenovela", TPRS Productions, a wholly-owned subsidiary of Polyester Hairball Enterprises, is proud to present the latest art form to hit the Internet, the Blogonovela (and yes, I have a patent, so don't ask). Like any developing art form, it is in it's infancy, so if you don't like it, just wait. It may not have a plot, or character development, or any of those silly things that make for good drama. C'mon, y'all; these are Republicans we're talking about here.
Yes, it will get better with time (unlike, some might argue, the inventor of this art form)....
The Scene: The Republican National Convention
The Plot: What plot?
As the sun sets on Gotham City, the house lights come up on the delusional hordes, thirsty for blood and red meat. Stand back, y'all; this could could get ugly....
Giuliani calls Bush America's Churchill
And what, exactly, has Rudy been smoking lately? Can I get some??
Comparing Mr Bush with Winston Churchill, he claimed Mr Bush had shown "principled leadership" in the war against terror.
Ha! What a kidder....
First Lady Promoting Husband As Warrior
Yep, he may not be Winston Churchill, but he may just be William of Orange, eh?
"Our parents' generation confronted tyranny and liberated millions," the first lady says. "As we do the hard work of confronting today's threat - we can also be proud that 50 million more men, women and children live in freedom today thanks to the United States of America and our allies."
How dare she compare George W. Bush to the "Greatest Generation"? Her husband plunged this country into a war based on lies and deception. WWII was fought to defeat a legitimate threat to freedom and liberty. To even mention Our Sainted President's name in the same breath as those who fought and died for our country in WWII is to demean their service and sacrifice.
Schwarzenegger praises Bush for character and leadership
He had to. George the Warrior threated to kick his @$$ if he didn't come through.
"I want other people to get the same chances I did, the same opportunities," he said.
"And I believe they can. That's why I believe in this country, that's why I believe in this party and what's why I believe in this president," Schwarzenegger said in excerpts of his prime-time speech to the Republican convention.
"America is back," he said, in a line reminiscent of his slogan from the "Terminator" movies: "I'll be back."
Yeah...and you'll have your nose halfway up Dubya's...ah, fuhgeddaboudit....
"Don't be economic girlie men..."?? Is this a politician or a cartoon character?
Bush 41: Some War Critics 'Beyond The Pale'
Yeah, I know how you feel. Independent thinkers can be SUCH a pain in the @$$....
"They say talk is cheap, but the consensus of some of those marching around here [is it] isn't just cheap, but it also has the effect of making the mission of our young men and women much more difficult...."
Life would be so much simpler if people would just shut the hell up and stuck to the party line, eh?
'Big Tent' Approach Upsets Some Republicans
Yo, we LIKE being narrow-minded and exclusive. After all, you don't expect us to welcome every long-haired freak who wants to join our little country club, do you?
The activists say they want the party to take a harder line on abortion and gay rights. They slammed the convention and its lineup of moderate speakers like California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani.
"Giuliani, [New York Gov. George] Pataki, Schwarzenegger. They're the poison to the party because they're not men of principle. They dishonor the party platform," said Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue and president of the Society for Truth and Justice, both anti-abortion groups. "To parade them around is an act of deception and treachery."
Right. Tolerance and open-mindedness are apparently SO highly overrated. Gee, Randy, why not just kill all the infidels?
Bush: 'We Will Win' War on Terror
President Bush said repeatedly on Tuesday that the United States will win its war against terrorism, trying to contain political damage from the doubt he expressed a day earlier.
"We may never sit down at a peace table, but make no mistake about it, we are winning and we will win," Bush told 6,500 veterans at an American Legion convention.
"We will win by staying on the offensive, we will win by spreading liberty," Bush told the veterans.
The president was trying to douse the criticism he touched off Monday when NBC aired an interview in which he was asked if the United States could win the War on Terror and he answered, "I don't think you can win it."
So much for staying on message....
Of course, all of these preliminaries are leading up to the question that every undecided voter is demanding the answer to at this convention:
WHICH IS THE HOTTER SET OF TWINS??
Is it...the Bush twins or the Kerry twins? Don't ask me; I'm married. This could get me into all KINDS of trouble, if you know what I mean. Still, in the interest of journalistic integrity, the question needs to be asked....
Tune into tomorrow's Blogonovela, when we dissect Dick Cheney's speech, if we can manage to stay awake through it. The smart money has us falling asleep within 10 minutes. If I were you, I'd take the bet.
