CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES, EPISODE #109

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away…uh, wait, wrong story….

It was a dark and stormy night…no, that’s not it, either….

Slowly, gently, with a touch that belied her barely-restrained passion…her gentle fingers, her moist, succulent lips, and her athletic tongue slowly caressed his….no that is DEFINITELY NOT it, either….

Sorry, y’all, I had a great theme all planned out for my return as host of the latest iteration of the Carnival of Vanities. It’s around here somewhere, but since I don’t have an unlimited amount of time to get my $&@# together, I’ll just have to throw something together….

OK, so let’s see if I can remember how this began….

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there was a lone, frustrated writer. Somehow, this frustrated writer came to the attention of Bigwig, who decided to take pity on him and allow him to host The Carnival of the Vanities, Episode 22. Having clearly not learned his lesson the first time around, Bigwig has once again graciously given me the reigns for a week. This might seem to some, as P.J. O’Rourke once said, akin to “giving liquor and car keys to 16-year-olds”, but I’ll try to keep the gratuitous inappropriateness down to an absolute minimum.

The way I left the starting blocks on February 19, 2003 seems a good way to start things now. Please welcome back this week’s first honorary host for our moment of Zen:

Greetings and salivations, one and all. Welcome to my cozy corner of the Internet. I hope that you will enjoy your stay- spend some money, jaywalk, annoy the locals. We haven’t had this much excitement around here since Tropical Storm Allison.

In the interest of maintaining my sanity (and health), I have omitted the traditional virginal sacrifice and the host’s ritual suicide (I have an aversion to sharp objects).

Before we get started, I’ll offer a moment of Zen. Ponder the power of the Bunny:

There, don’t you feel better already?? I know I do.

CARNIVAL OF THE VANITIES, EPISODE #109: 500 MONKEYS AT 500 TYPEWRITERS….

LIVE FROM BEAUTIFUL DOWNTOWN LIBERAL…KANSAS

An improvement, or just my way of scaring the hell out of kids on Halloween?: OK, it’s my party, so we get to start off with one of my posts that reflect an innate, barely harnessed brilliance. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry…you’ll wonder just what the hell I was thinking and where all my hair disappeared to….

Bush & Cheney Horrorland: Madeleine Begun Kane gets in the holiday mood after a visit to the White House holiday pages with her her adaptation of “Winter Wonderland”. Now I’m in the mood for some eggnog and a welfare check….

Five Minutes vs. Five Years: Interview With Swift Boat Vet George Elliot: Dean Esmay relays a Dean’s World exclusive, an interesting conversation with someone firmly mired in the past. So how, exactly does this impact the HERE and NOW? OK, I promised myself I was NOT going to get on my soapbox….

Media | TV: Susan discusses protester s in Asheville, NC rallying outside Sinclair-owned WLOS television. The Sinclair Advertiser Boycott is now approaching 80 advertisers that have pulled their commercials from Sinclair-owned stations. No, we don’t have to take one-sided yellow journalism lying down, eh?

Freeway Free Speech Day: My elusive and creative friend The Scarlet Pimpernel celebrates our basic Freedom of Speech. Sometimes, keeping your eyes on the road is not always such a good thing.

Republican Sign Stealers are Stupider than Democratic Sign Stealers: Or, how to steal your opponent’s yard signs WITHOUT rendering yourself unconscious- in five easy steps.

A day without DeLay…: Another day, another Tom DeLay scandal. Chuck Kuffner has the gory details. This troll represents my district? Yikes….

My Sex Is Better Than Yours: Of course, the survey SAYS that Republicans are more satisified with their sex life than Democrats, but Jeremiah Lewis wonders if that isn’t because they have lower standards. Whatever; folks on the Right side of the bed do seem to be a bit more radiant these days.

Personal, Political: T is tired. Tired of politics, tired of campaigns, tired of well, just about anything political. Me? I’m just plain tired. I want to crawl into bed and wake up on November 3rd.

Republicans in Nevada Hate Democracy: Those who can, win. Those who can’t…well, if you’re Republican and you live in Nevada, you cheat. Rob Humenik tells us why.

Bush’s radical second term: If you think the first GWB term was over the top, Nathan Newman has some words of warning. We may not have seen anything yet.

St Ralph of the Flaming Ego: Jo Fish is wondering just what the hell is behind Ralph Nader’s massive ego trip. What else would explain him actively working at cross-purposes with what he has stood for over the course of his entire career?

Give the Guy a Break: If the worst thing that John Kerry is guilty of is misprouncing “brat” (as in “bratwurst”) while on a campaign swing through Wisconsin, well, Brian J. Noggle thinks he’s in pretty good shape. God help us all, though, if his handlers turn him loose in Sheboygan or Mukwonago. (Funny, he doesn’t sound French….)

FROM SOMEWHERE ON THE RIGHT….

Keeping an eye on the weasels of the world: The watcher has four questions for John Kerry (Boxers or briefs? Ribbed or reservoir-tip? Kneepads or stirrups? Leather or latex?)

Top ten reason why Liberals hated Ronald Reagan: Bussorah Merchant offer “evidence” that Conservatives clearly love America, while Liberals obviously hate their homeland. I’m sorry, y’all, but this is where I draw the line. This sort of divisive, self-superior degrading of those who believe differently is exactly why this country finds itself so thoroughly divided. I can understand, and even respect, differing viewpoints, but when you cross the line into insulting those who don’t believe as you do, you are contributing NOTHING of value. Sorry, y’all, but you don’t have to love Ronald Reagan or George W. Bush to love your country.

The Power of John Kerry: Marty Johnson bestows this late-reaking news upon us : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN- I GIVE YOU THE NEXT SURGEON GENERAL OF THE UNITED STATES…. Benny Hinn? Hmm…and I was hoping for Jimmy Swaggart….

Simple Girl’s Guide For Avoiding AIDS: How can you NOT get behind advice that includes “Don’t date ex-cons”? LaShawn Barber lays on the honesty. It really IS about making good, intelligent choices.

It’s my party and I’ll ** if I want to: Well, I might have some issues with the methodology, but Charles G. Hill share with us the Top 10 reasons why Republicans are more satisfied with their sex lives than Democrats. Even I had to laugh….

A More Sensitive War: Josh Fielek on how Brad and Jennifer could make the war in Iraq a safer, happier place to be. Perhaps this is what they mean by “civil” war?? Or not….

A Group of 368 Economists Releases a Statement Opposing Kerry: You know, if you get 368 economists together in the same room, will your head explode? Vik Rubenfeld seems to think not, especially when they come out against John Kerry’s economic plan. Of course, they have 368 better ideas.

Descent of the Moonbats: Hmm…I didn’t think Moonbats were in season; apparently I was mistaken. Joanie tells the story of Michael Moore’s sojourn to the faithful in San Diego. I do have one small question, though. Why is it, when people decry Michael Moore’s “lies”, they can never seem to cite any specific examples. I’m all for being open to this sort of argument, if those of you making said argument can actually SUPPORT your accusations. Newsflash, y’all: simply repeating a mantra does not make it the truth.

Hateful Arab Delusions: Tex the Pontificator discourses on how Muslims in general and Arabs in particular seem to be willing to go to virtually any length to blame Israelis for any and all of their problems. As an added bonus, Tex also gets in a token slap at Liberals. I’m shocked…. ;0)

License to kill?: Eric Scheie dicusses the possibilities presented by President Kerry fighting the War on Terror. “Kerry the NeoHawk”? Wow, who knew??

Your Tax Money at Work: Tim Worstall brings us the story of government red tape strangling freedom- except this example of governmental incompetence is from England…not that it couldn’t happen here just as easily. We LOVE civil servants, don’t we? Yes, we do.

I Approve This Message Without The Darned Change Tracking: Bob Gronlund presents John Kerry’s qualifications for the Presidency, but someone really ought to remind him that his change-tracking-thingy…well, it kinda clouds his message, don’tcha think? It looks like one of my 10th-grade Algebra tests. ;0)

What Kerry DIDN’T Call Her: The Precinct Chair, one of my favorite foils, tries his hand a building a full-blown controversy out of a non-issue. Nice try….

Anti-Americanism: Dissecting Leftism on anti-American prejudice in England. This is an interesting and well-thought out post, but why not just do what I do? Ignore the trolls. Why encourage those who see themselves as intellectually and morally superior to Americans?

Morons on Parade: CH disguises self as Liberal, infiltrates Sunday’s protest: The Chainik Hocker “disguises himself as a Liberal” Right, so he went as a middle-aged man with a pot belly, a ponytail, a bald spot, an earring, and a Jerry Garcia beard? No wonder we didn’t notice him…he blended right in.

I Have A Plan: Robert Hayes says he has a plan…to clean out his garage. Yes, but is he the right man to build that Broad Global Coalition, or will he simply Stay The Course and Go It Alone?

An open letter to the Grauniad Guardian: No, it’s not the Manchester Guardian we’re talking about. John Beck give us yet another reason to hate Europe…and I thought it was just the French we hated….

Reagan, On Peace: Freeven’s contribution riffs on the seemingly contradictory. Of course, I promised myself that this weeks’s COTV would be free of overt political commentary and open to all voices. Still, your humble host is struggling to keep this promise. Let’s just say that any post using the words “Reagan” and “Bush” in the same sentence comparatively is bound to raise some red flags. ;0)

THOSE WHO CAN DO. THOSE WHO CAN’T START A BLOG AND B$#%H ABOUT IT. HEY, WAIT…I HAVE A BLOG….

Writer’s Wednesday at WOLves: Trudy Schuett brings us a way for all of us frustrated writers to gather and wallow in our collective futility. Hey, misery loves company, eh? STARVING WRITERS UNITE!! Bring cookies….

On the value of polling: In this tightly-contested election, polls can mean absolutely everything- or nothing at all. It just depends on your point of view and what you’re willing to accept as Gospel. Nurse Ratched has some thoughts and some frustrations.

Disenfranchise: The word means many things to many people, depending on which side of the political spectrum one happens to fall on. Doug Payton attempts to provide a reasoned definition. Be informed; get it right. Simple, eh?

Battling Against 36 in Rural Oregon: I lived in Portland, OR, for 15 years, and I clearly remember the running saga that was Lon Mabon’s Oregon Citizen’s Alliance. The figurehead for the forces of intolerance and bigotry in Oregon, Mabon was the yin to the normally tolerant Oregonian yang. Gordie Dickinson relays how the battle still continues. Who’d have thought the the little town of Klamath Falls, OR would be at the forefront of the culture wars?

Childish Behavior: Josh Cohen brings us news of the faux controversy surrounding Colin Farrell’s bisexual Alexander the Great. Hey, you’ve got to admire anyone who can work the words “butt nookie” into a post. Way to go, Josh! You’re my new hero!!

I ONCE WAS BLIND, BUT NOW I’M…WELL, NO, I’M STILL BLIND….

Separate male and female change-rooms incorrect!: A 14-year old female Canadian hockey player has won the right to share a locker room with her male teammates. No, it’s not the invitation to a teen-age orgy that you might think, but it did set Political Correctness Watch to thinking. Of course, they’re playing hockey, not “doctor”, eh?

Never Let Them See You Sweat: Eric Trimmer’s contribution illustrates why HDTV may not exactly be the best thing for reasoned, intelligent political debates during a Presidential campaign. There just ain’t enough lipstick to pretty up this piggy….

SO YOU WANNA BE IN PICTURES? If it’s true that every cloud has a silver lining, then Steve Elisson has the story of Uncle Phil and Aunt Marge, who seem to have found their own precious metal.

Bugger off from our elections: The Key Monk offers his disapproval of the Manchester Guardian trying to influence voters in Ohio. Well, we may be talking about the US Presidency here, but let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that people outside our borders don’t have a lot at stake as well. Remember, though, turnabout is fair play. Then next time Tony Blair is up for re-election, we can put our two cents in…. Then again, this IS the Manchester Guardian we’re talking about here- the very definition of “fishwrap”.

A Class with Robert Spencer - Report: Solomon relays his story of what had to be a fascinating evening with someone who knows as much about militant Islam as anyone. It’s just too bad more people couldn’t be bothered to attend. They just might have learned something useful.

The Message of the Media: Egomaniacal Nimrods love…well, themselves. Rick DeMent has some thoughts on what has to be the biggest and most meaningless pissing contest in modern media history: Tucker Carlson vs. Jon Stewart. (Mine’s bigger…no, stupid, MINE’S bigger….)

Fighting Terrorism, by Making Terrorism Uncool: Ryan Shea has a rather novel strategy for fighting terrorism, and no, it does NOT involve a satanic toothbrush (don’t ask). It’s all about licensing, my friends. (Thankfully, SLAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG!! has already been spoken for.)

The Third Debate: If you had looked very closely during the most recent Presidential Debate, you might have noticed Alan K. Henderson. Of course, Bob Schieffer ignored him, but the man deserves his 15 minutes…and I’m here to give it to him.

I read the news today, oh boy: Abnu at Wordlab relates the latest exploits of the Geeks at DARPA. Yes, it really is called the WALRUS, and when you read this, you’ll know why. I just LOVE American technology…don’t you??

More on the Mexican border and terrorists: I realize that we spend most of our money and resources on protecting our Northern border (uh…this just in…apparently, we don’t…sorry….). Well, let me just say that David Mobley probably does a much better job of discussing the threat than I would. Here I’d thought our primary concern was keeping us safe from cold fronts and hockey players. Who knew??

IF YOU KEEP THAT UP, YOU’LL GO BLIND….

Commence navel gazing…now: Natalie Yates shares picture of the kiddo…could he BE any cuter? Not if you ask her.

Canada’s Surprising Prosperity: What’s Our Secret?: Well, it’s certainly not hockey players…. James Bow has the first of a fascinating three-part discussion on the economic success of our neighbor to the north. And they didn’t even have to invade a despotic Third World dictatorship to prop up their military-industrial complex. Now if they could just do something about that %&#$@% NHL lockout….

School officials should be held to zero tolerance: If an eight-year-old can be suspended for bringing a butter knife to school, shouldn’t we be able to hold school officials accountable in the same way? Ravenwood wonders why “Zero Tolerance” has to correspond to “Zero Common Sense”.

Zero tolerance for butter knives: Jim Peacock asks the same questions as Ravenwood- not that any of us are expecting to get any answers.

Call no man a pervert- look inside your own head: Bill O’Reilly has a surprising advocate in his corner: Harry Hutton. He may just have a point, though. All of us no doubt have something hidden in our closet that we wouldn’t want to come to light. Hmm…I doubt any of them involve falafel and vibrators, though.

Your Local Voting Guide: A wise man once said that all politics is local. Mike Pechar reveals some tips on how to figure out and properly address local issues….and it doesn’t involve stealing yard signs….

Medical Wal-Mart needed: Socialized Medicine discusses how the delivery of medical care can be made more efficient. Of course, this begs the question: do you really want a rectal exam while your tires are being rotated and your oil changed?

Second thoughts about The Third Man: If you haven’t seen The Third Man, you might want to before reading Bill Adam’s contribution. Of course, Bill has seen it, and he’s got plenty to say about it. I haven’t, so I of course have NO idea what in the hell he’s talking about. Then again, cluelessness comes naturally to me.

Paid beach parking: The Sequel: Liberty takes on the controversial topic of requiring beachgoers to pay to park along Seawall Boulevard in Galveston. As with politics here in Seabrook, politicians in Galveston should be warned: proceed at your own political peril.

‘Surf’ degree hits the rocks: Education Watch wonders why a degree program in surfing wasn’t taken seriously. Somewhere, Jeff Spicoli is crying in his bong….

Before We Argue - Lets See If We Are Living In The Same Universe: If you’re going to cast your political adversaries as the Tools of Satan, it helps to know the rules of the road. Coyote is only too happy to supply them. Your adversaries may indeed be harbingers of Evil, but now you’ll now why. Bon Apetit!!

CSI: That’s All: I suppose this is what happens when you run out of ideas. Space Monkey fills us in on why CSI: Des Moines may well be the last in the franchise. Damn, and I was all excited about the pilot for CSI: Deliverance

More dishonest mainstream science: This time in basic astronomical theory: Greenie Watch tells us how the “Big Bang Theory” is based on an assumption now known to be wrong. Of course, I’m an Aries, so I’ve never been much on astronomical theory myself.

Nigerian Spam Parody Roundup: Graham Lester offers a compendium of stuff that people must be falling for. I mean, there’s so much of it out there, right? SOMEONE somewhere must be stupid enough to send these maroons money, eh? Of course, Nigerian 419 scams are ripe targets for parody, and Graham doesn’t disappoint…yes, there is even the classic George W. Bush scam.

MEANWHILE, LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE….

Are we ill-prepared for pandemic influenza?: Tony Gill discusses the possibilities….think September, 1918. Think it couldn’t happen?? I’m not so sure it’s a risk we want to be taking.

Crayola Skin: King of Fools bring us This Week’s Sign That The Apocalypse Is Upon Us- Crayola Multicultural Crayons. Politically Correct Crayons? Whodathunkit??

The Job Interview: A snippet of storytelling: I suppose this is what happens when Philosophy majors do the interviewing. Greyduck has the details.

Daddy Training: Josh Fielek explains how the US Marine Corps prepared him for fatherhood. Given that both endeavors involved various degrees of mayhem and flying projectiles, their seem to be more similarities than you might imagine.

Sunday surprise - AIDS Walk: How many of us would drag our sorry @$$e$ out of bed on a Sunday morning for anything that didn’t involve lots of coffee? Strat Speaks Out apparently did, although I’m not at all certain that I really want to know how the lubricant works into all of this….

The Art Of The Knuckleball. My favorite New Englander, Brian Kane, tries to be nonchalant about the Red Sox. Yeah, like we’re buying that….

In Which I Beat Tim McCarver With a Baseball Bat: Michele Catalano, a HUGE Yankees fan, appears to be having some killer dreams lately- literally. You do NOT want to piss this woman off….

More on the flu vaccine shortage: Of course, no Carnival worthy of the name would be complete without an overt, thinly disguised attempt to pander to Glenn Reynolds. Here’s my shot fame, untold wealth, and blog groupies.

THOSE WHO ARE LATE DO NOT GET FRUIT CUP….

Light Posting on a Beautiful Weekend: Tim celebrates National Blog Free Day by doing what else? Blogging, of course. Hmm…it would appear that someone is unclear on the concept. Whodathunkit….

OK, that’s everything…although I have a sneaking suspicion that I may have accidentally omitted an email or two. It’s late, I’m tired, and my powers of concentration, while never impressive, are hovering at near-record lows. If I missed your post for some reason, please accept my sincere mea culpa. If you would be so kind to resubmit it, I’ll be certain to include it postmortem.

I hope that you have enjoyed your stay in The People’s Republic of Seabrook, where the men are strong, the women are good looking, and the children sneak swigs off their parent’s beers when their backs are turned. Come back soon, and remember:

(Next week, the Carnival pulls up stakes and moves to The Twins Tell The Truth. Tell them I sent you….)