There was a time when I wrote a good deal about our numerous unpleasant dealings with our next-door neighbor and his wife, who are both seriously unbalanced, self-righteous, “Christian” senior citizens. Over the past 12-18 months, we’ve existed under an unspoken but mutually recongnized truce. Basically, we ignore them and go on about our business. It’s not a great solution, but it is effective. I hate that things are the way they are, but given that they are recognized around the neighborhood as judgemental, unfriendly, and just generally unpleasant, it seems the path of least resistance.
The truce may have come to an end yesterday afternoon. To begin at the beginning, Asshole Neighbor and his wife stole our cat. Actually, they’ve stolen two, but the first has since passed away, and we’ve forgiven- if not forgotten. Stealing Sakowitz, though, is a bit more than we should have to put up with from a neighbor.
Sakowitz was a gift to Adam and Eric from their Grandfather after their Grandmother died. She’s a royal crank (OK, she’s a Grade A b—-h), but she was important to us, and she was a member of the family. About a year ago, Asshole Neighbor and Mrs. Asshole Neighbor decided that Sakowitz was starving and it was their job to “save” her. Every now and then, I’d look out our kitchen window, and there Sakowitz would be, relaxing in the neighbor’s bedroom window. Yeah, it rankled me, but Sakowitz seemed to enjoy her new surroundings, and when we brought her into our house, she clearly wanted nothing to do with us. Apparently, whatever they were feeding her next door was far superior. Given how much weight Sakowitz put on, it was also much more readily available.
Eventually, we accepted the reality of the situation, because neither Susan nor I had the energy to provoke a confrontation with either Asshole Neighbor or his wife. Being the good, God-fearing Christians that they are, they obviously think they are doing the Lord’s work by taking in an “abandoned” and “starving” cat. Yeah, right…whatever….
Yesterday afternoon, Mrs. Asshole Neighbor knocked on our front door and asked Susan if we would watch “their cat” while they’re away for Thanksgiving. This was more than my adoringly long-suffering wife could take. She went off on Mrs. Asshole Neighbor (in her own polite and gentle way), at which point the poor, misguided harridan broke down in tears. How DARE we accuse her of stealing a cat when she was clearly saving her from starvation? Well, if it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, looks like a duck, and STEALS like a duck….
After a couple minutes of listening to Susan go ‘round with Mrs. Asshole Neighbor, it was clear that this loon has NO concept that they have been anything but PERFECT and solicitous neighbors. Of course, these are the same neighbors who put up the world’s ugliest trellis along our sharen fence line to keep Susan from “gawking” at them when they were in their backyard enjoying their pool (“The Worst Toilet in Scotland”, for those of you who’ve seen Trainspotting).
I have this sinking feeling that things are about to go from bad to worse. Neither Asshole Neighor nor his reality-impaired, holier-than-thou wife are socially well-adjusted, pleasant people…but, hey, they’re Christians, right?
It would be easy to feel anger and bitterness toward the trolls next door, but what’s the point? They’re miserable human beings, and nothing that we do or say will convince them of that- nor will it change anything. Beside, anger will in the end only harm the one harboring the anger. Neither Asshole Neighbor nor his wife are worth the emotional energy it would take to maintain any degree of anger. More than anything, I feel pity. They are two old, lonely, judgemental people who honestly cannot see how truly pitiable they are.
Perhaps it’s time to put up that 8’ fence we’ve been thinking about. At least we won’t have to look at the toilet they call a swimming pool.
