December 30, 2004 6:17 AM

Apparently, total world domination and enslavement will take a bit longer than we had planned

Austria snubs upstart: Starbucks finds little favor in nation that loves tradition

There are three rock-solid certainties in life: Death, Taxes, and a Starbucks in your neighborhood. It’s beginning to seem as if one cannot so much as pick up one’s mail without passing a Starbucks on the way to the mailbox. Personally, I have no problem with that. Then again, I am one of the millions willingly enslaved by the God of Caffeine. Hey, some some smoke, some drink, some light up a crack pipe. Me? Well, caffeine is about as bad as it gets- AND I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT.

Starbucks has inexorably extended it’s nefarious plot to enslave the world to foreign shores. Most give in willingly to the temptations of the siren song of a Mocha Frappucino. Why not? They’ve already accepted McDonald’s as part of the local landscape. The opening of a new Starbucks somewhere is hardly newsworthy anymore; it seems as if they merely spontaneously self-generate anywhere in the world.

Apparently, though, there is one place in the world that has resisted the temptation of mass-produced global caffeinization: Austria.

VIENNA, AUSTRIA - It seemed so brash and, to many Viennese, so American when Starbucks arrived three years ago bearing Frappuccinos and caramel macchiatos into this proud capital of coffeehouse culture.

The coffee chain established its beachhead on prime real estate across from the famed Hotel Sacher and the Vienna State Opera. And this, said the management, was only the beginning. Starbucks would open a new store at least every month. By 2005, there would be 60 locations across the country.

But with 2005 only days away, Starbucks’ Austrian empire stands at just eight stores in and around Vienna. That’s down from 10; two didn’t make it, including one at a high-profile spot by the Naschmarkt, Vienna’s beloved central outdoor market.

The perceived travails of what one newspaper called the “U.S. paper-cup store” have inspired no small amount of satisfaction at the misfortune of the American firm.

“We don’t want to burst out in unrestrained coffeehouse chauvinism here,” said a recent commentary in the daily Die Presse. “But a little satisfaction that not every standardized global chain can just take over the Naschmarkt is allowed.”

It’s not exactly David defeating Goliath, but I suppose on one level it’s good to know that total world domination may take just a little bit longer than we might have feared.

Eventually, and likely in our lifetimes, Howard Schultz will become the most powerful man on Earth. By ensuring that there is a Starbucks virtually anywhere in the world, Schultz may not control governments and economies, but he will control the moods we find ourselves in every morning. This will be true everywhere but in Austria, which eventually will become famous as the world capital of 12-step programs designed to help addicts kick their Frappucino habits.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have just enough time to shower and grab a latte on my way to work….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on December 30, 2004 6:17 AM.

Vote Republican: It's easier than thinking was the previous entry in this blog.

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