War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength…and I’m in charge!
Once again I’ve returned to the man the helm of the Good Ship Lollipop. Having been here twice before, Bigwig clearly has yet to learn his lesson. If I behave myself, maybe he’ll let me come back. The poor guy must feel as if he’s giving a bottle of Wild Turkey to a teenage boy as the kid is reaching for the keys to his Lexus.
I searched far and wide for a grand theme, but in the end I had to settle for a bit of Florida-bashing and some general, unfocused jocularity. So, here it is, the 122nd edition of the laugh riot that is the Carnival of the Vanities. I hope that I have done justice to the contributions I’ve received. In addition to the many submissions I received, I also included posts from some folks whose work I’ve come to admire, despise, and marvel over. I’ll leave it to y’all to figure out which is which. I’ve always believed that including as many diverse voices as possible in the Carnival is a good thing. I don’t agree with everything I’ve included, but I certainly respect it.
If anyone has any complaints, they can be filed in person at TPRS World Headquarters in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. You’re going to want to be careful, though. The caribou are hungry this time of year, and bloggers taste just like chicken….
Mike Pechar at Interested Participant relays the saga of a war that I think all of us should be mightily concerned about: the Canadian Battle of The Beer. Yes, Canada’s two largest brewers, Molson and Labatt, have recently seen slumping sales due to competition within the industry from discount beer sellers. And the casualties have been HORRIFIC. Can’t we stop the suffering?? When do we send in the peacekeeping troops?
Andy at The World Wide Rant has Something About How The Road to Hell is Paved. Yep, the EU banning Nazi symbols will certainly serve to convince people of the error of their ways, no? I only wish I’d thought of it first.
Charles Barksdale wonders How much money did CBS pay Dick Thornburgh and Louis D. Boccardi - and their associates - for the “independent” Rathergate Report? Hmm…apparently not enough to make the whole thing go away, eh?
Graham Lester brings us Death of the Dream: Clear Channel √¨Beyond Excited√Æ At Chance to Air Racist Crap. Just when one could reasonably have begun to think that we’ve evolved….
Brian Kane says That’s Incredible! No, not the movie…how snack food is being marketed to children. It would appear that progress is (finally) being made.
Greg Wythe at Instigator Alley, the semi-official fan site of the Houston Aeros, reviews a recent Aeros game: All Glove, No Stick. Losing 1-0 is never pleasant, especially when you have sit through 60 minutes of watching the hometown lads skate in quicksand. Game on, eh? Well, not quite.
Jordon Cooper at The Hockey Pundits assures us that The agents have got it all under control…. Right, but I’m thinking that they’re looking out for their clients, NOT the best interests of the game of the fans.
PJ Swenson at Sharkspage updates us on something I’m not certain any of us were really all that concerned about: SJSU earns tie and a loss in back-to-back games against BYU, Davis wins over Palmer, Berkeley splits weekend series with USC. How sad is it when hockey fans are left scrambling for ANY hockey news…minor league, third-tier college club level, European Leagues? There really should be a 12-step program for people like us.
Michael at Confessions of a Hockey Fanatic tells us that someone somewhere will be playing hockey next year: WHA to make a comeback next season. Thirty years ago, the World Hockey Association crashed and burned, the victim of too much flash and too little cash. Will this go-‘round be any different? Hey, they couldn’t do any worse than the NHL, eh? Game on!
Jes Golbez Ursulak brings us bad news: Sidney Crosby Bails out of CHL Top Prospects Game. If you haven’t heard of Sidney Crosby yet, you will- even if you’re not a hockey fan. Crosby is 17, and from all the scuttlebutt is Mario Lemieux, Wayne Gretzky, and Eric Lindros rolled into one big package. He’s not referred to as “Nextzky” for nothing.
LaShawn Barber opines on href="http://lashawnbarber.com/archives/2005/01/17/why/">Why I Wouldn√≠t Vote For Newt Gingrich. Perhaps because [A]different kind of Revolution has taken place, one in which Gingrich would be a liability…and one in which Gingrich is still an egomaniacal moron more concerned with his own personal power and self-aggrandizement than public service. As if his 1994 “Contract on America” wasn’t bad enough….
When I was a kid, I refused to go into the basement, because I was convinced that the ghost of Ho Chi Minh had taken up residence there. My fevered imagination just knew he hungered to feast on a pudgy nine-year-old boy. It appears that Just Orb has a similar problem with the Utility Room Monster. Be afraid…be very afraid….
Patti Niehoff at White Pebble discusses The religion of √¨peace,√Æ showing its true colors. Of course, “peace” is a relative term, eh?
Ian Michael Hamet at Banana Oil invites us to Dig, if you will, the picture√ñ of what would happen if the US military were to unleash Da Gay Bomb. You look at Ahmed, and think to yourself that you√≠d never noticed before what an incredibly handsome man he is. Those powerful arms. Those supple thighs. Oh, Ahmed…. CLEANUP, AISLE SIX!!!
Josh Cohen at Multiple Mentality share what he thinks is The Greatest Disaster: There will be a day sometime late in the 2010s where one or more of my children (which I do not yet have) comes up to me and says, √¨dad, what disaster had the biggest affect on your life?√Æ Want to find out my answer? It may surprise you. I was, indeed, mildly surprised, but it’s tough to argue with.
Brian J. Noggle explains that it’s not a rash, it’s just his Hollywood Sense Tingling. A remake of The Ten Commandment? What, did they leave something out the first time around? Who’s going to play Yul Brynner??
David Mobley at A Physicist’s Perpsective shares Tolerance pledge, in which he discusses the story of a music video and program for children with a “tolerance pledge”. The video includes Barney and others, and the pledge rejects “ignorance, insensitivity and bigotry” in favor of tolerance. Arghhh…Barney must die….
Nathan Newman thinks something has been Lost in Translation. Are y’all as shocked as I am that the Permanent War on Terror is based more on Conservative ideology than the promotion of our security and safety? I mean, whodathunkit??
Mad Kane contributes what she does best: a song parody. Though she had promised me something that could be sung to the tune of The Monkees’ Last Train To Clarksville or Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar On Me, her latest soon-to-be megahit: Dubya’s “He’s Hiding” Song should go a long way toward helping me get over my disappointment. Hey, it’s got a nice beat…and you can dance to it. Well, after four or five beers you can dance to it…. ;0)
Rick Moran at Right Wing Nuthouse brings us the tale of the Poisoner-in-Chief. Hey, he employs the phrases “Democratic Underground” and “Moonbats” as if they’re synonyms. Hmm…I smell “Fair and Balanced” following closely behind….
Kevin Baker at The Smallest Minority tells us why Why Ballistic Fingerprinting Doesn’t (and Won’t) Work…aside from the fact that calling it “gun DNA” doesn’t make it so. I’m hardly a gun advocate, but it’s tough to argue with an argument this detailed and well-constructed.
Harry Hutton shares the latest controversy in Great Britain’s Royal Family: PRINCE HARRY BURNS DOWN PARLIAMENT, BLAMES SOCIALISTS. Film at 11….
Yes, even Michael Moore puts in an appearance this week: “Fahrenheit 9/11” Named Best Picture of the Year by the American People…for which Laurence Olivier would have won best supporting actor- if he weren’t still dead.
Ann Coulter got off her knees long enough to take off the kneepads she’s been using at Matt Druge’s place to (unknowingly) make a contribution: Liar, Liar, Now You’re Fired: her “fair” and “balanced” look at the CBS’ Rathergate report. And for my next trick, I’m going to invent a car that runs on cheap, meaningless, mean-spirited Conservative rhetoric.
Michelle Malkin brings us news of the latest Election 2004 scandal, WISCONSIN’S ELECTION FRAUD SCANDAL: WHERE’S THE MSM/DEM OUTRAGE? I tell you what; we’ll deal with your issue once we’ve resolved what happen in Ohio this past November and in Florida in 2000. ‘Kay??
Les Jenkins, my favorite Stupid Evil Bastard, shares The problem of 45 million uninsured Americans hits home. Hard. Les relays the story of how an easily treatable disease killed a relative. You’d think that the most powerful economy in the world would be able to come up with an equitable solution. Of course, that runs counter to the free-market-uber-Alles policy of the current Administration, which wanted your vote, but could apparently care less about your well-being. (Translation: I got mine…you get your own.)
Tom Traina at Heretical Ideas shares this gem: HARVARD PRESIDENT PROVES VERY FLEXIBLE; PUTS FOOT IN MOUTH. Gee, you’d think that someone so obviously intelligent could say something so incredibly stupid. Must’ve been the nachos….
What’s tragic is that Dawn Olsen feels the need to point out what should be blindingly obvious to anyone who is able to walk upright without dragging their knuckles: Tsunamis Don’t Care Who You Worship. Just when I’d begun to hope that maybe, just maybe we’d evolved….
Michele Catalano lures us into the no smoking diary, day four. Let’s wish her well, because those of us who are caffeine addicts can certainly sympathize. Of course, we can quit any time we want, right??
Laurence Simon rolls out the latest episode of Kitty Cat Theater. I wonder if the Screen Actors Guild knows that Laurence is running a sweat shop? After all, these cats are being exploited, no? Well, OK, as if it’s even possible to exploit a sentient being that sleeps for 23.5 hours a day, right?
Moxie has some thoughts on the sex bomb. Of course, what would you expect from someone arrogant enough to use “an antidote to the mental illness commonly known as ‘liberalism’” as her tagline? Is it too much to ask for some respect for those who might think differently than you? Apparently so. I grow tired of mean-spirited, gratuitous insults. I would have expected better from someone so obviously talented.
Andrew Ian Dodge tries to put Prince Harry’s Nazi row in proportion. Much ado about nothing, the mis-step of a bumbling teen, or something worse? Also, Andrew’s guilty of a little double-dipping, but, being the forgiving sort, I’ll let it slide. Check out his musings on The power of ownership.
Chuck Kuffner brings an interesting piece of ignored history from the Civil Rights Movement: The 1965 AFL All-Star Game. The game was moved to Houston from New Orleans because of the refusal of several African-Americans to accept the treatment they received. The fallout impacted both the AFL-NFL merger and the NFL’s efforts to put a franchise in New Orleans.
John Ray at Dissecting Leftism brings us the TUESDAY ROUNDUP. It’s the ususal roundup of the wierd, the unusual, and the barely lucid…actually, I find it to be quite representative of the blogosphere in general.
Having been a teacher myself at one time, I understand the risks and challenge teachers face in the classroom. The Precinct Chair relays A Story That Frightens Me, Angers Me, And Saddens Me. Sometimes the attacks are verbal, and sometimes they aren’t. This is the story of what can happen when they aren’t.
Dr. Charles provides an example of Something Heroically Defies Nothing, in which a physician finds himself trying to help a suicidal woman and finds the proper perspective from which to view the NFL playoffs. Well, gaining perspective is always a good thing, eh?
Coyote at Sounding The Trumpet explores why traditional sexual attitudes are so scarce among campus conservatives in general, giving examples from Cornell: Traditional sexual attitudes scarce among campus conservatives. Hey, I always thought there was a time and a place for that sort of thing…and it’s called COLLEGE.
John Rosenberg at Discriminations wonders, Is The Michigan Civil Rights Initiative About Women’s Mental Health?
Natalie Yates tells us that, yes, life’s too fucking short. Yes, the divine Miss N demonstrates that it is indeed possible to combine bunnies and breasts. This she does in honor of the passing of her Uncle Bill.
When you begin to think that you are having a rough time of it, try walking a mile in Andy Yates’ shoes. Time for a healthy dose of perpsective, y’all. If any of y’all are the praying sort, this might be a good time to fire one up.
The Chainik Hocker tells us why I hate tech support so very very much. Hmm…and I’ll bet none of the rest of us have ever experienced the desire to reach through the phone line and choke the living s—t out of some smug, self-superior, borderline incompetent, completely inept, totally unconcerned, supremely idiotic, stunningly vacant tech support rep.
Warren Meyer at Coyote Blog is frustrated. I guess I am tired of posting political rants that are gravid with meaning. My submission this week asks whether cohesive or themed rock/pop albums (as opposed to collections of singles) will be a thing of the past in the MP3 era. So he submitted a riff on iTunes: Will iTunes Kill Albums? Hey, with any luck, it just might…we LOVE iTunes…says the man who just spent $350 on the special edition U2 iPod. For my next trick, I’m going to stand on this bridge and burn $20 bills….
Stacie at The Vast Dairy State Conspiracy relays The Post Wherein Stacie Renders Herself Unelectable. Hey, if you aspire to political office, you probably don’t deserve to win anyway, right? ‘Course, I’d still vote for her, but I’m a f——-g Librul. What do I know, eh?
Jane Galt At Asymmetrical Information has some very simple advice when it comes to Social Security: If it ain’t fixed, don’t broke it. How about we try to fix the clusterf—k in Iraq? THAT is definitely broken.
Hot Abercrombie Chick wonders What Does ‘Irrational’ Mean? Hmm…how about 51% of Americans voting for a man whose lies and deceptions duped us into supporting a pointless war that has so far killed 1400 American soldiers?
Eric Scheie at Classical Values has a piece about Missouri’s adult sign wars: ADULT BOYCOTT!. So what’s a hopeless Libertarian like Eric to do? It’s a tough call when you can see both sides of an issue. Would that more of us were capable of doing the same.
Tim Dunlop asks a question I think really deserves an answer: Is that a death squad in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? (Ambassador Negroponte goes to town)
Solomon uses a lame Jimmy Stewart movie as a parable for the demise of American democracy: “You see, Sam, you really had a wonderful life.”…and it works.
Ed Mick brings us “A Tale of two Stalinists”: it’s about a Kuwaiti student who was told to get psychiatric counseling because he wrote a pro-American essay. Yeah, it happened. So much for intellectual and philosophical diversity. Don’t even get me started on tolerance….
Paul Noonan at The Electric Commentary has a thing against straw man arguments: Running Against Scarecrows. Remember, those who argue in straw houses should not toss lit matches about. Trust me, the results will be…unpleasant.
The Watcher of Weasels offers us Sink or Swim, in which he makes a surprising nomination for the head of the Democratic National Committee: Ted Kennedy. Hmm…I may be wrong here, but I think WW is no fan of the senior Senator from Massachusetts.
Hindrocket at Powerline gives us an Update From New Jersey. This is the tragic story of a family of Coptic Christians whose throats were slit after the man of the house argued with Muslims on a web site. So much for tolerance and the open exchange of ideas, eh?
Kathy Shaidle at Relapsed Catholic relays the story of a Canadian bishop blasted for remarks on gays. Apparently, the trolls shall always be among us. Some of them will even try to pass themselves off as learned, pious men of the cloth. Sorry, but this is NOT Christianity, y’all- not unless anyone can show me where Jesus preached hate like this.
Jeralyn Merritt at TalkLeft tells us that Bush Won’t Rule Out Military Action Against Iran. Well, you’ve got 150,000 armed Americans next door, and before long they’re going to be looking for something to do, right?
Meryl Yourish tells the story of The peaceful protesters of Berkeley attack Jews√≥Again. It’s the story of how an anti-terrorism protest was interrupted by pro-terrorists. Wait a minute; aren’t all the pro-terrorists taking up space at the Guantanamo Bay Hilton?
With that I hand the baton to The Raving Atheist, the proud host of next week’s Carnival. Many thanks to Bigwig for once again trusting me with his brainchild. Hopefully, the damage done is minimal. Thanks; you’ve been wonderful…enjoy Pablo Cruise!!