February 11, 2005 6:36 AM

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener

This whole underwear thing attracts global laughs (Thanks to alert TPRS reader Nancy Goldstein for the tip!)

Bill sets fine for low-riding pants

Low Rider

Lawmakers drop bill against exposed underwear

DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener #195: Algie T. Howell, Jr.

In case you missed it, Virginia√≠s House of Delegates proved once again that there is no problem so small that it can√≠t be attacked with a new law. In that spirit, delegates voted to advance a bill designed to spare us the shock of underwear peeking out of too-big trousers…. Any person who, while in a public place, intentionally wears and displays his below-waist undergarments, intended to cover a person√≠s intimate parts, in a lewd or indecent manner, shall be subject to a civil penalty of no more than $50.

  • Kerry Dougherty

It’s a story as old as time itself. As long as their have been teenagers and parents, the former has lived to aggravate and flabbergast the latter. This is hardly knews to anyone who has teenagers at home. I can attest to this, though thankfully, Eric’s attempts at individuality are rather benign.

Defining one’s individuality is part and parcel of growing up,as is the process of seperating from one’s parents. I can see it in 17-year-old Eric. It ain’t always pretty, but it’s an inexorable part of raising a teenager. If you’re not certain just what I’m talking about, just trying have a conversation with a teenager at dinner. To wit:

Parent: How was school?
Teenager: [grunt] OK.
Parent: What’s your homework situation tonight?
Teenager: [grunt] I dunno….
Parent: So what are you going to do tonight?
Teenager: [grunt] [grunt]
Etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseum….

No matter what adults do or how we go about it, kids will always do what they do. The fact that it pisses us off is merely an added bonus. Our latest DUMB@$$ has clearly not learned this lesson, though he is (by all accounts) an esteemed member of the Virginia House of Delegates. It would seem at first glance that the qualifications for this position are roughly equivalent to those for employees of the Virginia House of Pancakes.

Del. Howell, clearly feeling that all other pressing issues facing the Commonwealth of Virginia have been solved, has focused the laser beam of moral indignation on, yes, low-riding jeans. Don’t laugh; our DUMB@$$ certainly isn’t.

According to a story in Sundayís Pilot, the delegate ñ who owns a barbershop ñ is merely responding to the concerns of his customers.

ìSome people think itís trivial,î he said. ìBut the people Iím hearing from think itís serious.

ìThatís why theyíre called undergarments,î he continued. ìTheyíre supposed to be worn under something else.î

Indeed. Any reasonable adult will unabashedly agree that this whole trend is patently ridiculous. Really, though, what harm is being done? And have we lost sight of the things we used to do that pissed our parents off? My father and I used to fight over whether I needed to get a haircut.

Of course, Del. Howell HAS succeeded in turning Virginia into an international laughing stock- and what else can one do but laugh at this sort of silliness? Kerry Dougherty, a columnist with The Virginian-Pilot in Hampton Roads, even went so far as to poll a few teenagers on what other nuisances they’d like to see legislated out of existence.

The boxer bill was a hot topic among a group of kids at my house Tuesday night. None were underwear outerwearers, yet all were indignant about the intrusion of the state into teen jeans. Out of curiosity, I asked them to jot down a few things theyíd like to outlaw.

Their list took up a page and a half.

I learned that they donít like spandex on middle-aged bodies. Or animal prints. They think wearing Christmas sweaters should be a ìmisdemeanor.î Fat people in Christmas sweaters? A ìfelony.î

Thereís more. They donít like men in short shorts. Bow ties. Sweater vests. Or toupees.

Socks with sandals? Puh-leez. Pleather? Like, gross.

They detest fanny packs. Granny panties. And mom jeans. Proof ñ if any was needed ñ that fashion offenses are in the eyes of the beholder.

Those of us with hair loss, bulges and a penchant for fanny packs ought to be relieved that the younger set is not old enough to write the laws.

Not yet anyway.

The amazing thing is that this bill initially passed the House of Delegates on a 60-34 vote. Wow…perhaps Virginia really DOES have a problem on it’s hands, eh?

Well, late yesterday common sense finally prevailed, and Howell’s legislative assault on low-riding jeans was killed off by the Virginia Senate. Being that Howell is the committed sort, though, we should probably expect a new bill banning sweaty sports bras on female joggers before long. This is what happens when a DUMB@$$ is given the power to write legislation.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 11, 2005 6:36 AM.

Who says Liberals don't know how to have fun? was the previous entry in this blog.

Side effects include ennui, furry palms, profuse bleeding from all orifices, hair loss, delusions of being Ryan Seacrest, inappropriate violent outbursts, unexplained oedipal urges, and an unnatural affinity for Broadway show tunes is the next entry in this blog.

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