Korn guitarist finds God, leaves band
In an announcement that has caused much weeping and gnashing of teeth in the Satan-dominated world of rock & roll, Korn guitarist Brian “Head” Welch has left the band because he’s found God. The Vatican announced shortly afterward that God had apparently been lost (or at least misplaced) before anyone in the Church hierarchy had even become aware of it. An investigation has begun to determine why no one in mid-level Church management had disclosed the loss and/or misplacement of the Almighty. A spokesman for Pope John Paul II promised that consequences would be “swift and certain”.
A Vatican spokesman, citing Welch’s good fortune in finding God and blissfully unaware of the irony of his statement, said “Yes, I suppose it can be said that now we are getting the good ‘Head’”. Satirists the world over peed their pants en masse as they switched their operations into hyperdrive….
Given the sudden and shocking nature of Welch’s decision, he granted an interview to radio station KRAB-FM in Bakersfield conversation. What follows is a partial transcript of that interview:
Interviewer: Head, many of your fans are confused. The ones who even acknowledge the possibility of the existence of God were unaware that He had even been lost or misplaced? What can you say to your fans to reassure them?
Welch: Well, for years now I’ve been feeling as if something was missing. You know that feeling you get when you’re about to have mind-blowing anonymous sex with a blonde you just picked up, and you can’t find a condom? There was this constant emptiness and uncertainty in my life.
Interviewer: So what was it was that was missing?
Welch: Well, at first I thought it was just a lack of female groupies willing to indulge my every sexual whim. Then, one day it dawned on me as I was returning empty Wild Turkey bottles and used syringes to the recycling station- God was missing, and it became clear that it was my responsibility to find Him.
Interviewer: And yet there was no announcement….
Welch: I know, man…it was creepy. It was like waking up next to a groupie after a hard night of drinking, drugging, and whoring…and actually knowing the girl’s name. Strange, wierd shit, man….
Interviewer: So where did you find God?
Welch: That’s the wierdest thing, man. It just dawned on me one morning when I woke up without a hangover: God is everywhere, all around us. He’s in the trees, the grass, in the bottom of the double Jack-and-Coke that you’re about to chug, in the Thai stick laced with meth, in the triple latte that you need to clear your head after an extended overnight visit from Old Granddad….
Interviewer: In the Republican Party….
Welch: F—k no, man…are you kidding me? He is most definitely NOT there….
A spokesman for Korn says the band wishes him well, but admitted that no replacement for Welch has been found. In the meantime, the spokesman said, the remaining band members plan to focus and satisfying their myriad carnal desires, increasing their consumption of psychoactive drugs, and buying stock in Wild Turkey. There are tentative plans for the band to release a studio album by the end of this year- if none of them are in rehab or under arrest for public indecency or public intoxication.
Site Navigation