Deena Winter: Couches on porches a hot topic
We have been harping about this for so many years. We get the run-around all the time on that issue. We can’t seem to get anyone to take the ball and run with it.
- Carol Brown
Well, having apparently solved all other pressing problems facing the city, the mayor of Lincoln, NE, is now being pressured to resolve what seems to be the only remaining complaint of her constituents. Yes, we’re talking about the scourge that is…couches on porches?? WTF?
Yes, poverty and crime have been eliminated in Lincoln. Anyone who wants to work can find a well-paying job. The streets are plowed in the winter, and garbage is picked up regularly. Hmm…wouldn’t it stand to reason that, if the biggest thing you can find to worry about is your neighbor’s choice of porch furniture, you’re leading a rather charmed existence?? Indeed it would.
How long before concerned neighbors begin forming anonymous vigilante squads who go about removing couches from porches in the middle of the night? After all, if people can’t exercise good taste on their own, can you blame the enlightened for wanting to take matters into their own hands??
During one of the mayor’s recent neighborhood roundtables ó during which residents can talk to Mayor Coleen Seng about pressing issues in their neighborhood ó the hot topic was (drum roll, please)… couches.
More specifically, couches on porches. Not to mention Lazyboys and other recliners or sectionals that have migrated outdoors.
What is the deal with people who are inspired to put their plaid couch on the front porch? And what can the city do to stop them? That’s what these people wanted to know.
Lincoln doesn’t have a city ordinance banning upholstered furniture on porches.
And no one has been able to adequately explain exactly WHY Lincoln would NEED an ordinance of this sort….
Ed Caudill, president of the North Bottoms association, said on the way to the mayor’s meeting, he passed three porches decorated with upholstered chairs. He said he’s written letters asking couch offenders to cease and desist, but about the time he convinces one homeowner to give up the porch furniture, there’s another one.
“They breed,” he said.
Uh…are we talking about people or cockroaches here?
Urban Development manager Wynn Hjermstad said “trashy” porch couches are often a problem in college towns, and attempts to dissuade porch offenders have gone nowhere. The problem can’t be attacked from a public health perspective unless there are vermin or critters in couches, she said….
Lincoln Councilwoman Patte Newman agreed, saying, “It’s something that everybody’s been talking about for years and years and years” to no avail.
But she reminded the group that when the Boulder, Colo., City Council considered an upholstered furniture ban in 2001, people dragged their couches into the streets and burned them. Although their passion was partly ignited by a Big 12 Championship win, college students were incensed when the city threatened to end their couch-on-the-porch tradition. (Perhaps the Lincoln City Council could prevent such rioting in the streets by passing an ordinance in the summer, when there wouldn’t be as many college students around to notice.)
Or they could just pass it on a Friday or Saturday night, when most Nebraska students will be too busy drinking to notice….
Good Lord, people; get a grip, willya? If the biggest thing you can find to whine about is the fact that your neighbor happens to enjoy having a couch on their porch, life is pretty damn good. Besides, once you win the right to determine what sort of furniture I can put on my porch, you’re probably going to be coming after the refrigerator on our trailer’s porch….
THIS is America??
The flag you show in the post's upper corner is a lie.
Remedial history lesson: Nebraska was part of the Union. This story is the North's own brand of intolerance and stupidity. The town's name is LINCOLN, for Christ's sake!
Wise up.