It all began on 6.23.03 with the immortal Chante Mallard, who has become the gold standard of human ignorance. Since then, the DUMB@$$ AWARDS have come to symbolize the breadth and depth of human stupidity…and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that this barrel has no bottom. The stupid shall always be among us….
2005 was a VERY good year to be a DUMB@$$. Over the course of the year, I bestowed 170 of these (not so very) coveted DUMB@$$ AWARDS. They were pretty evenly distributed among morons, demagogues, politicians, religious zealots, and yes, even teachers who slept with their students (a tired meme if ever there was one). We had people peeing on computers, killing their mothers, even a religious nutjob advocating the invasion of Venezuela. We’ve had athletes whining that their pampered existence wasn’t nearly pampered enough. We’ve had a man beating up his girlfriend because she planned on voting Democratic, and a man who killed his mother because she flushed his marijuana down the toilet. We’ve had (alleged) men of God trying to excommunicate parishioners who don’t support Our Glorious Leader and women who want to wear pants. Other (alleged) men of God were busily trying to indoctrinate children about the evil agenda supported by Da Gayz. Yes, God IS good….
2005 certainly produced a bumper crop of DUMB@$$E$ from all across the spectrum of human stupidity- the eternal gift that knows no color, creed, or border. The challenge is how to select those most worthy of the (soon to be not so) coveted DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR AWARD. What criteria should be used to select those most intellectually- and reality-challenged souls and honor them for their contribution (or lack thereof) to our entertainment. Well, in the end, I went through every DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener this year. It was a long, painstaking, and exceedingly hilarious undertaking. 2005 was indeed a year rich in human stupidity, and I only hope that I wil be able to do it justice. So, without further ado, then, allow me to introduce the wieners of the tape-measure finish that was the 2005 DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR. I’ll list the top ten, starting from #10 and working my way to #1. Remember, stoopid is as stoopid does….
10) Father Daniel: Uh, I don’t know if someone forgot to get the memo to this cretin, but crucifixion went out, oh, about two thousand years ago….
9) Judge Donald Thompson: Is that a penis pump under your robe, or are you just glad to see me??
8) Harold G. Hart: Everyone wondered why Hart always took such good care of the calves, and why he never managed to find a girlfriend. Apparently, he discovered Elsie’ warm embrace and never looked back. Ewww…..
7) Ubaldo Vazquez Huizar: Sex with animals is always good for a DUMB@$$ AWARD. I suppose we should all be glad his girlfriend wasn’t a Chihuahua, eh??
6) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The diplomatically-challenged President of Iran, who clearly does NOT have a soft spot for Israel, seems to have forgotten one historical reality: Israel has bombed Iran before, and they may well do it again- and very soon. Not that this DUMB@$$, who allegedly participated in the 444-day-long Iranian hostage crisis in 1979-81, really cares what anyone outside of Iran thinks.
5) Rick Scarborough: How anyone how claims to be a compassionate Christian can honestly believe that God drowned New Orleans as a way to cleanse the area of sin and inquity ought to have their medication adjusted- and pick up their DUMB@$$ AWARD on their way out.
4) Jean Schmidt: Rep. Schmidt is everything that is wrong with the Republican Party: shrill, mean-spirited, and willing to belittle and demean a man who has served his country in combat and in Congress for the bulk of his adult life. There ought to be a special place in Hell for trolls like Schmidt.
3) Daniel Zeisler: Yes, theoretically, it IS possible for a methamphetamine user to distill the residual meth from his own urine. The problem, though, is that would take so much urine as to make it unfeasonable, not to mention prohibitively expensive. I’m all for recycling, but this is WAY over the top. Besides, if a person has enough initiative and creativity to think along these lines, just think what he could do with a real job?
2) Juan Manuel Alvarez: You know, if you’re going to commit suicide, it’s generally considered bad form when you take innocent civilians with you on your journey to the Afterlife. This is especially true when your plan backfires, and you survive while ten innocent people die. Remember, kids; being a DUMB@$$ doesn’t have to hurt.
And, last but not least, our 2005 DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR comes to us all the way from Pakistan. ‘Course, he’s not really going to be going anywhere for awhile…seeing as how he just finished off one of the most gruesome “honor killings” in Pakistani history…and that really IS saying something, given Pakistan’s brutal disregard for the rights of women….
1) Nazir Ahmed: “Honor killings”? In my book, it’s just plain murder with a particularly twisted rationale- especially when you murder innocent children because, well, they MIGHT commit adultery a few years down the road. Talk about preventive maintenance. WTF??
"Rather than attempt to engage in a reasoned, intelligent debate, Baker for some reason seems to think that I actually care what he thinks of me. Better to be thought a troll and a fool than to spread your ignorance and narrow-mindedness all over your weblog and remove all doubt, eh?"
Jack, you exhibit the very definition of psychological projection. It's almost frightening.
Let me quote myself:
"You want to debate? I'm up for it."
"So, you want to have that debate, Jack? Simple yes or no will do."
"Pick a place, Jack."
Those are all from this thread.
Then from your site:
"You want a debate? I'm right here."
But I'm the one who will not "engage in an intelligent, reasoned debate." Right.
You were the one who avoided that at all costs. You were the one who simply ignored the following questions:
"You have 'nothing to prove?' So your assertions are all factual? Like it's dishonorable to ship deceased military members home via air cargo? Like if the Clinton administration had done it (they did), the Republicans would have screamed outrage to score political brownie points (they didn't)?"
"You have nothing to apologize for? Like equating shipping our dead home on commercial airliners with escorts with putting their bodies in cardboard boxes and shipping them UPS?"
And then after all that, you put up a Ted Rall "cartoon" that reinforced the lie?
Interesting world you live in. Too bad its so disconnected from reality.
Thanks for the links.
Again, Kevin, you make the mistake of thinking that I actually care about anything you think or have to say about me.
I have nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for...and I have absolutely no intention of doing either. IF my intention had been to piss off a few Right Wing nutjobs, well, then...MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!! It must really piss you off that I won't play the game by your rules.
If I ever find myself in Tucson, I might just take you up on your offer to go shooting...though I'm not sure I'd turn my back until I'm certain your weapon is empty.... ;o)
Have a nice life...and enjoy the KoolAid!
You care enough to insult me, not once, not twice, but three times.
Again, psychological projection.
Fear of me shooting you in the back?
Psychological projection.
You really should get help. You're not a well man. ;-)
Jack, Kevin -- I must interrupt you at this point because I'm detecting, well shall we say, a level of hostility that is less than useful...
I've listened to you both and I understand the passion and devotion that motivates you to attack each other. However, sharp tongues and thin skins are a really big challenge for productive communication, and I think this is your biggest problem.
What I'm hearing here is that Kevin is hurt because Jack declined an invitation to discuss some differences in politics and did so in an insulting manner. Likewise, Jack seems hurt because he felt insulted by the form and content of Kevin's invitations.
Before our next session, I'd like each of you to review the other's blog, and find the one post that seems most reasonable. When we get together next time, I'll ask you to share the posts with each other and discuss some "points in common" on which you can build the communication skills you need to move on to the more difficult topics.
Well, I see we're about out of time for today... You've both worked hard and should feel good about the progress you've made. Remember your homework assignments, and check with my receptionist to see if your insurance will still be valid next week.
Hey...I knew a Kevin Baker when I went to good old FHS.
Detestible little turd.
But that is neither here nor there.
Lessee.....this KB is a winger. Detestible big turd.
Ah well, their time is almost over. Bout time.
Dr. Phill! Is that you? Hey...you suck. I mean that in a Brokeback Mountian kind of way.
OK...dumbass of the year award......Clear winner....
Bum dede bum.....The Bug man!
Kevin...you're working awfully hard to get a reaction. Psychological projection? What a piece of work....
If this helps you to feel as if your existence is now somehow justified, knock yourself out. I can't believe you don't have better things to do with your time. BTW, you can take your amateur diagnosis and stick it. I grow tired of your childishness.
Have a nice life.
I think it is so cute how the use of foul language makes some people think they are cool.
I wish I still had my skateboard and oversized pants. Then I could hang out with you guys.
But I grew up and realized mom and dad and student loans aren't going to be around forever. Is that the scariest part of being a liberal? You can't eat unless you participate in capitalism? Is that why you soooo need government? To feed you and bathe you still?
I can't wait until I get this award. Watch out for one of my newspapers coming to your school. Be fun times then, Dad, you know we'll have a good time then.
Maybe someday, Jeff. Work hard, study...and be convinced that you know best, and that nothing that anyone else who thinks differently happens to believe is of any validity whatsoever. I would say that you're well on your way....
Is that why you soooo need government? To feed you and bathe you still?
Uh...last time I checked, it was you guys that that grew the goverment 12.7%
Which means youre claim to smaller goverment is as bogus as your claims to be the party of financial responsibility. I still double over laughing whenever some retarded winger starts up that little circle jerk.
But don't let any facts get into the way of your Rush Limpdick fantasies.
RE: Maybe someday, Jeff. Work hard, studyÔøΩand be convinced that you know best, and that nothing that anyone else who thinks differently happens to believe is of any validity whatsoever. I would say that youÔøΩre well on your wayÔøΩ.
--> I merely expressed an opinion about foul language and some questions about what liberals want... But thank you for showing how your position is "do as I say, not as I do." Answers to those questions rather than intimating negative personal character traits would have made your post poignant instead of ironic.
RE: Is that why you soooo need government? To feed you and bathe you still?
UhÔøΩlast time I checked, it was you guys that that grew the goverment 12.7%
Which means youre claim to smaller goverment is as bogus as your claims to be the party of financial responsibility. I still double over laughing whenever some retarded winger starts up that little circle jerk.
But donÔøΩt let any facts get into the way of your Rush Limpdick fantasies.
--> First fact you should have established is whether I am a Republican.
** Note to leftie winger - I am not a registered Republican.
I don't belong to any political party so "my party" is NOT the party of fiscal irresponsibility.
Facts don't seem to matter after all, do they?
As for a circle jerk, how do you know I wouldn't be into that?
I'll tell you why: You are too interested in assuming facts not shown. Good job at projecting your vision of what you think someone, that doesn't knee-jerk agree with you, must believe.
Fine example of liberal freedom of speech supporters you are. You do, of course, recognize sarcasm right? You can double over laughing again if you want.
Anyone seen my lube?