It all began on 6.23.03 with the immortal Chante Mallard, who has become the gold standard of human ignorance. Since then, the DUMB@$$ AWARDS have come to symbolize the breadth and depth of human stupidity…and if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that this barrel has no bottom. The stupid shall always be among us….
2005 was a VERY good year to be a DUMB@$$. Over the course of the year, I bestowed 170 of these (not so very) coveted DUMB@$$ AWARDS. They were pretty evenly distributed among morons, demagogues, politicians, religious zealots, and yes, even teachers who slept with their students (a tired meme if ever there was one). We had people peeing on computers, killing their mothers, even a religious nutjob advocating the invasion of Venezuela. We’ve had athletes whining that their pampered existence wasn’t nearly pampered enough. We’ve had a man beating up his girlfriend because she planned on voting Democratic, and a man who killed his mother because she flushed his marijuana down the toilet. We’ve had (alleged) men of God trying to excommunicate parishioners who don’t support Our Glorious Leader and women who want to wear pants. Other (alleged) men of God were busily trying to indoctrinate children about the evil agenda supported by Da Gayz. Yes, God IS good….
2005 certainly produced a bumper crop of DUMB@$$E$ from all across the spectrum of human stupidity- the eternal gift that knows no color, creed, or border. The challenge is how to select those most worthy of the (soon to be not so) coveted DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR AWARD. What criteria should be used to select those most intellectually- and reality-challenged souls and honor them for their contribution (or lack thereof) to our entertainment. Well, in the end, I went through every DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener this year. It was a long, painstaking, and exceedingly hilarious undertaking. 2005 was indeed a year rich in human stupidity, and I only hope that I wil be able to do it justice. So, without further ado, then, allow me to introduce the wieners of the tape-measure finish that was the 2005 DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR. I’ll list the top ten, starting from #10 and working my way to #1. Remember, stoopid is as stoopid does….
10) Father Daniel: Uh, I don’t know if someone forgot to get the memo to this cretin, but crucifixion went out, oh, about two thousand years ago….
9) Judge Donald Thompson: Is that a penis pump under your robe, or are you just glad to see me??
8) Harold G. Hart: Everyone wondered why Hart always took such good care of the calves, and why he never managed to find a girlfriend. Apparently, he discovered Elsie’ warm embrace and never looked back. Ewww…..
7) Ubaldo Vazquez Huizar: Sex with animals is always good for a DUMB@$$ AWARD. I suppose we should all be glad his girlfriend wasn’t a Chihuahua, eh??
6) Mahmoud Ahmadinejad: The diplomatically-challenged President of Iran, who clearly does NOT have a soft spot for Israel, seems to have forgotten one historical reality: Israel has bombed Iran before, and they may well do it again- and very soon. Not that this DUMB@$$, who allegedly participated in the 444-day-long Iranian hostage crisis in 1979-81, really cares what anyone outside of Iran thinks.
5) Rick Scarborough: How anyone how claims to be a compassionate Christian can honestly believe that God drowned New Orleans as a way to cleanse the area of sin and inquity ought to have their medication adjusted- and pick up their DUMB@$$ AWARD on their way out.
4) Jean Schmidt: Rep. Schmidt is everything that is wrong with the Republican Party: shrill, mean-spirited, and willing to belittle and demean a man who has served his country in combat and in Congress for the bulk of his adult life. There ought to be a special place in Hell for trolls like Schmidt.
3) Daniel Zeisler: Yes, theoretically, it IS possible for a methamphetamine user to distill the residual meth from his own urine. The problem, though, is that would take so much urine as to make it unfeasonable, not to mention prohibitively expensive. I’m all for recycling, but this is WAY over the top. Besides, if a person has enough initiative and creativity to think along these lines, just think what he could do with a real job?
2) Juan Manuel Alvarez: You know, if you’re going to commit suicide, it’s generally considered bad form when you take innocent civilians with you on your journey to the Afterlife. This is especially true when your plan backfires, and you survive while ten innocent people die. Remember, kids; being a DUMB@$$ doesn’t have to hurt.
And, last but not least, our 2005 DUMB@$$ OF THE YEAR comes to us all the way from Pakistan. ‘Course, he’s not really going to be going anywhere for awhile…seeing as how he just finished off one of the most gruesome “honor killings” in Pakistani history…and that really IS saying something, given Pakistan’s brutal disregard for the rights of women….
1) Nazir Ahmed: “Honor killings”? In my book, it’s just plain murder with a particularly twisted rationale- especially when you murder innocent children because, well, they MIGHT commit adultery a few years down the road. Talk about preventive maintenance. WTF??
