After instituting a “business casual” dress code and cracking down on the length of uniform shorts, the NBA has identified its next fashion crusade. League and team sources have told ESPN.com that the NBA, starting next season, intends to ban the tights sported at various points this season by several players, including three MVP candidates: Kobe Bryant, LeBron James and Dwyane Wade.
Having apparently solved all other problems with the sport of basketball, David Stern is now on to Phase Two of his campaign to force sartorial uniformity and blandness upon the poor, downtrodden multi-millionaires he holds dominion over.
Of course, there are few things that look sillier in this day and age than the sight of hyperglandular men in short pants and tights. You wouldn’t have wanted to see Baryshnikov in Nike high-tops, so why would professional basketball players in tights be any less disturbing?
When I watch an NBA game these days, which happens with rapidly decreasing frequency, I want to see shooting, passing, and athleticism. What I do NOT want to see is a bunch of guys who look like they took a wrong turn on the way to a performance of “Swan Lake”. Perhaps I’m just too old, too white, or too horribly un-hip to appreciate this new trend, but I’ve gotta tell you…”Men in Tights” was a great movie, but I sure as Hell don’t want to see Cary Elwes at power forward and Dave Chappelle at point guard. We should all be grateful that David Stern will be putting an end to the madness.