May 8, 2006 6:58 AM

So you want to be a Congressman?

CD 22 Questionnaire Revealed (thanks to Vince Leibowitz for this beauty)

So you’re a Republican, you live in CD22, and you see in Tom DeLay’s political demise an opportunity to move up the political food chain. All you have to do is to prove your worthiness to represent the fine Right-wing Christian zealots who live within the district’s boundaries. No problemo; all you have to do is to answer a few questions (which the Harris County GOP was kind enough to post on da Interweb for God and everyone to see) and we’re certain the nominating committee will come to see that you truly are ideologically reliable enough to win the GOP endorsement.

Of course, the questionnaire only goes so far. If you are going to prove that you have what it takes to represent these fine, repressed, God-fearing zealots, you’re going to have to do a lot more than answer a few softball questions. No, you’re going to have to go the extra mile and answer the questions that inquiring minds REALLY want to know. So, with all due respect to Vince, here are the real questions from the real questionnaire, obtained from a top-secret TPRS source who was able to procure these questions through means too horrible and demeaning to relate here in a family-oriented weblog.

(Questionnaire after the jump)

1) Do you ever awake in the middle of the night after dreaming of having hot, sweaty, rough, illicit carnal relations with Hillary Clinton in the well of the Senate during a live C-Span broadcast?

2) Does the thought of Nancy Pelosi naked and on her hands and knees in front of you make you want to swear off pleasure and join the piesthood?

3) Does the sound of Dennis Hastert’s soft, sensuous voice make you go all weak in the knees and make you have to change your shorts?

4) Does the thought of Sam Brownback in tight butt-shorts make you want to touch yourself inappropriately??

5) Someone offers to pay for a golf vacation at St. Andrews, set you up with a few hookers, and provide you with all the single-malt Scotch a man could dream of. Do you:
a) ask if kneepads are included in the package,;
b) bang one of the working girls on the 17th tee while your playing partners wait patiently;
c) take a bath in a vat of Glenfiddich; or
d) all of the above?

6) A lobbyist employed by tobacco growers offers to pay the tuition for your children at the most expensive and exclusive private school in Washington, DC. Do you:
a) take up smoking out of gratitude;
b) work to pass legislation to fund research that touts the benefits of cigarette smoking as an effective weight-loss tool;
c) offer to become the “bitch” for BigTobacco; or
d) all of the above?

7) Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader comes to you seeking your support in passing an important piece of legislation, one that will fund an invasion of Iran and Syria. Do you:
a) wonder why he’s wimping out by not also pushing to invade Finland, Norway, and Sweden;
b) seek to attach a rider guaranteeing your district will be the home port for the Navy’s latest nuclear submarine (even though you represent an inland district);
c) claim that this bill is God’s will (in return for a sizable donation from the Christian Coalition); or
d) all of the above?

8) The House Majority Leader comes to you stating that your support on a bill is crucial to its passage or failure. Do you:
a) pledge your support in return for a weekend in St. Maarten with your favorite call girl;
b) demand a large “soft money” donation as the price for your support;
c) offer to hold a press conference in which you refer to your Democratic opponents as “whores of Satan”; or
d) all of the above?

9) Does the thought of Barbara Mikulski in lederhosen give you a woody?

10) One late night, as you burn the midnight oil in your office, you hear a knock on your office door. In walks Kay Bailey Hutchison, wearing only a pair of high heels, a riding crop, and a bottle of Wild Turkey. Do you:
a) decide that this is the perfect time to craft a workable immigration reform bill;
b) ask her if she’d like a private showing of “The Unit”;
c) offer as to how she looks pretty hot for a 206-year-old woman; or
d) all of the above?

11) Have you ever engaged in an exchange of inappropriate, graphically sexually and explicit emails with Dianne Feinstein? If yes, please provide details. If no, please explain why not.

12) Does the thought of debating child pornography legislation with college-age interns make you break into a cold sweat? Even when you’re only wearing adult diapers?

13) Do you find yourself surreptiously catching glances of Cynthia McKinney’s ass? If yes, have you followed her through a security checkpoint? If no, are you watching Dennis Hastert’s ass at this very moment?

14) Have you ever bid for a pair of Olympia Snowe’s panties on eBay? Did you win the auction? Are the panties now hanging from a lampshade in your office?

15) Constituent service involves which of the following:
a) an off-shore bank account and a six-figure line of credit from a local businessman;
b) a Turkish bath and a tube of Astroglide;
c) the Houston Texans cheerleaders and a half-dozen margarita machines running at full bore; or
d) all of the above;
e) none of the above?

Please answer the above questions honestly and to the best of your ability. You will be hearing from the committee presently. In the meantime, should a member of the press inquire, you never took this test….

And this is why I’m a Liberal Democrat….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on May 8, 2006 6:58 AM.

And it couldn't have happened to a nicer demagogue, Chapter 38 was the previous entry in this blog.

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