All Polls Aside, Utah Is Keeping Faith in Bush
Journey to the heart of Bushlandia
Another student at Brigham Young, Danielle Pulsipher, a junior, offered blanket approval of the president. Asked to name which of his actions as president she liked most, she was hard-pressed to answer…. “I’m not sure of anything he’s done, but I like that he’s religious — that’s really important, Ms. Pulsipher said.
As hard as it may be to believe, there are still people out there who believe that Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader is still and effective, principled leader who, if we only just gave him a chance would demonstrate his worthiness in the eyes of the Lord as the Chosen One. Yeah, right. Whatever….
DUHHHHHHH…………..
Utah is a place that gives new meaning to the words “clueless” and “inattentive”. This is a state that gave 89% of it’s popular vote to Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader in 2004. WHAT IN THE HELL WERE THOSE MAROONS THINKING? WHAT COLOR IS THE SKY IN THEIR WORLD?? Do these people honestly believe that Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader is an honest, principled, and effective leader? Sadly, it would appear that this is indeed the case. Welcome to Utah, the ancestral home of the American Sheeple.
In an attempt to help explain what in the Hell these Sheeple are thinking, we here at TPRS are, in the spirit of public service, going to attempt to translate some of the mindless statements that Utah residents use to justify their unquestioning, slavering support for Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader:
1) “When I watch him, I see a man with his heart in the right place.”
Translation, please: “When I watch him, I see a man much like myself- a man who couldn’t string together complete, coherent sentences if his life depended on it. I’m not at all certain where his heart is, but the man’s a flippin’ idiot. He may well be the first President with an IQ in the mid-double digits. So, yeah…we think a lot alike.”
2) “I like George Bush because he is God-fearing.”
Translation, please: “I like George Bush because he appeals to my pre-conceived notions and my unjustified, ignorant, poorly-informed prejudices. I believe that those who do not believe as I do are inherently evil, ungodly, and therefore unworthy human beings, and as such deserve to be enslaved, if not liquidated altogether.”
3) “I’m against the war in Iraq — and what happened with Hurricane Katrina, well, it was a failure by everybody.”
Translation, please: “I refuse to hold my government responsible for the deaths and maimings of so many young Americans, and I refuse to hold FEMA and the rest of George W. Bush’s Administration responsible for the clusterf—k that was the federal response to Hurricane’s Katrina and Rita. To do so would mean that I would actually have to think critically and perhaps even question my unyielding support for Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader. I had a thought once, and I discovered that thinking just gives me a headache…ya know what I mean, Vern??”
4) I tend to judge a person by their character. And President Bush reminds me of President Reagan. He’s a man of principle.
Translation, please: “A President can lie with a smile on his face, steal an election, start an immoral war, and pander to the Religious Right, but if he prays in public, he’s a man of character. I can get behind that. He’s a man of God, and we need God today, don’tcha think??”
5) “[The Liberal Media] concentrate too much on the negative and certain small things.”
Translation, please: “Here in Utah, we hate it when the media focuses on the truth. It’s so much easier when they wave the flag and show Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader in the soft, glowing light of an adoring, pre-screened ‘town meeting’, or- even better- with his head reverently bowed at a prayer breakfast. I mean, he IS a godly man of character.”
6) “We’re forgiving people, and we choose not blame Bush for trouble spots, because they like his personality.”
Translation, please: “Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader is a lot like us. He doesn’t trouble himself with petty things like critical thinking or considering the consequences of his poliicies. Hey, freedom isn’t free, remember? And if the price for our freedoms are the lives and limbs of someone else’s children, so be it. We need to finish the job…just as long as my own kid comes back in one piece.”
7) “He’s strong, and he doesn’t waver.”
Translation, please: “He’s a man like us. He makes up his mind, and sticks to his guns. He doesn’t let inconvenient, messy things like facts and reality get in the way of his unshakable pre-conceived notions. All that critical thinking is just a Liberal trick to distract Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader from his God-given mission to remake the rest of the world in our own image. After all, it says in the Bible that God’s an American, right?”
8) “I like that he is for the family, that marriage should only be between a man and woman. “
Translation, please: “I’ve never met a Gay or a Lesbian, but I know that they want to recruit our precious, impressionable children to their nasty, dirty, sinful, Sodomite lifestyle. And I sure as Hell don’t want one of them in a foxhole next to my child..’cuz before you know it, he’ll come home with a wardrobe full of pastels and an unnatural affinity for flower arranging.”
9) “And the war, we need to finish what we started.”
Translation, please: “Cutting and running is for Liberal cowards. We’re Americans, damnit, and we don’t back down…just as long as my child comes back in one piece and not in a bag.”
10) “They like what they see as his muscular foreign policy.”
Translation, please: “Cutting and running is for Liberal cowards. We’re Americans, damnit, and we don’t back down…just as long as my child comes back in one piece and not in a bag. No collection of goddamn turban-wearing sand niggers is going to push this man’s America around…and if someone else’s child has to die to prove who’s Number One, then so be it. After all, freedom isn’t free. You goddamn Libruls ought to keep that in mind.”
As my good friend Nick Bakay would say, “You see, it’s so much easier when you break things down scientifically.” Indeed, now you know everything you reasonably might need to know in order to escape Utah unscathed. Yes, it’s a beautiful state with a lot of ugly undercurrents. Perhaps they had the right idea way back when as they plotted how to become an independent nation. Then we really could build a wall on the border- the Utah border.
The reality is that the God of most Utahans is not a benevolent, forgiving God. No, the God of Utah is a mean-spirited, unforgiving sort with a reputation for kicking ass and taking names. God is American, which means that if you don’t dance to our tune, we have the perfect right to invade your sorry little Third World hellhole (Are you listening, Canada?) and kick your collective ass from here to Helsinki. Yes, for these folks, Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader is the perfect President: self-righteous, completely convinced of his own correctness, bothered not a whit by even the merest shred of doubt, and willing to subjugate Unbelievers under the righteous boot heel of American Christianity.
Guess where I’m spending my next vacation (while wearing my “Worst President EVER” t-shirt)? I hear the concentration camps outside Provo are beautiful this time of year….
