Are you a true believer? Do you just know deep down in your black Wal-Mart socks that every word of the Bible is the absolute literal truth and nothing dare be doubted and anyone who thinks that God is merely an ambisexual omniblissful bloom of moist divine nondenominational honeydew melon should be strung up by their small intestine and beaten with sticks sharpened by Mel Gibson’s teeth? Do you feel, furthermore, that human cretins like, say, gays and Jews and Wiccans and all those hippie weirdos with their iPods and low-cut jeans and easy laughter are a plague upon this fine and holy land? Do you think that contemptible books like “The Da Vinci Code” are not only blasphemy, but that you should probably go out into the street right now and behead a few lambs and perhaps mow down some Taoists with a Gatling gun just to deflect its horrible notions of the sacredness of the feminine divine? You do? Praise Jesus! Your video game has arrived.
Coming from a heathen and rumored moral reprobate such as myself, this probably won’t mean anything. Of course, that hasn’t stopped me, so I’ll just spew forth anyway. I grew up being taught that God is a loving, compassionate, and forgiving God, and that His love and compassion extended equally across all racial, gender, and ideological boundaries.
Man, those Lutherans had NO idea….
Little did they know that their God is actually a bad-tempered, mean-spirited SOB with no tolerance for those unwilling to live by and die for His Word. That’s where Left Behind: Eternal Forces comes in. No, you can’t just smite the unrighteous whenever the mood strikes you, but Left Behind: Eternal Forces gives you the ability to take out your frustrations and righteous aggression while proving your devotion to Our Lord and Savior.
You are on a mission — both a religious mission and a military mission — to convert or kill Catholics, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, gays, and anyone who advocates the separation of church and state — especially moderate, mainstream Christians. Your mission is “to conduct physical and spiritual warfare”; all who resist must be taken out with extreme prejudice
Could a good, honorable, and decent Christian want anything more than to take out a few Islamofascists and Liberal jouranlists with the tweak of a joystick? What good, God-fearing parent wouldn’t be proud to give Left Behind: Eternal Forces to their offspring this Christmas morning? Praise God and pass the ammunition, brother!!
In the meantime, I’m feeling the need to throw up….
