Deliberate masturbation during the month of Ramadan renders a fast invalid, Iranian Supreme Leader Sayyid Ali Khameini has ruled.
Hmm…so accidental masturbation is acceptable? And what constitutes deliberate masturbation? (No, I really DON’T want an answer to that question.)
Me? I’m just enjoying writing something that allows me to repeatedly use the word “masturbation”…especially given the Mark Foley sex scandal. It just feels…well, it just feels right, somehow.
Of course, this being Ramadan, Muslims, unlike Republicans, are heavily into self-denial. Muslims tend to take self-denial seriously, even denying themselves a normal sexual act for an entire month.
And you wonder why Muslims are so uptight? I think this goes a long ways toward answering that question.
Thankfully for observant Muslims, Khameini helps them through the truly thorny and difficult questions that determine just how godly a man can be:
Another reader asked: “Once in the holy month of Ramadan, I forgot to brush my teeth, and some tiny bits of food remained in my mouth. I swallowed the bits unintentionally. Do I have to perform the qad√ɬ£a (repent) for that day’s fast?”
“If you did not know that some bits of food remained between the teeth, or you did not know that they would reach the throat, and they were swallowed unknowingly and unintentionally, then you are not liable to make (repent) of the fast,” said Khameini.
Of course, if you went to IHOP and ordered the stuffed pancakes, you’re completely hosed….
The Iranian leader also told readers they were allowed to “to drink water while standing” at nights.
Just be sure not to drink water while standing on your head, for verily that is surely the road to Perdition and Damnation….
It was “not permissible” to take part in meetings attended by both men and women, he told another reader.
Yeah, ‘cuz girls got cooties, don’tchaknow?
I respect Islam and those who practice it, but what I have trouble understanding is how obeying any number or arcane, silly rules brings one closer to God? Hey, call me an infidel if you must, but if I’m going to worship someone, I at least want things to make sense. Who cares if I drink water standing up?
Uh…wait for it…that sound you’re hearing is a fatwa coming down on my head in 5…4…3…2….
