No more secrecy — Christmas must be destroyed!
This is both a confession and a call to arms. For the past several years, I have been secretly involved in a secret scheme to secretly force religion — Christianity, in particular — from the public square. This secret has been laid bare, however, so now I can publicly and proudly proclaim that I am a member of the secular-progressive plot pithily dubbed “The War on Christmas,” and have been authorized by the founder and leader of this movement, George Soros, to acknowledge its existence and call upon our fellow Christmas-haters to make themselves known and to take our no-longer secret campaign to the streets. Down with Christmas!
Yes, I have something to confess. I may seem like a normal, mild-mannered person, but truth be told, I’m a foot soldier in the War on Christmas © - a lackey of the Evil George Soros and Hillary Clinton, who between them aim to neuter the Christmas holiday, stripping it of all religious significance. I aimlessly while away my days, waiting for my marching orders, for the opportunity to do my part to turn Christmas into Xmas, a holiday with the sole and singular purpose of supporting the retail sector of the American economy. And when my work is done, I’m going to kick sand in some poor kid’s face.
I eagerly await the opportunity to do battle with people like Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson, people whose devotion to Christian ideals is second only to OJ Simpson’s devotion to finding his ex-wife’s killers. Some of y’all might find it comforting that O’Reilly, Gibson, and their ilk are willing to make certain that the ideals of Christmas aren’t sacrificed on the altar of Political Correctness. Really, though, do you think that they care anything at all about the true reason for the season? Do you really think that either of them, or their drooling sycophants, care a whit about Christmas, or the birth of Jesus Christ? If you think for a minute that any of these morons care even a little bit, you might want to put the KoolAid down for just a moment and get a grip on reality. The ONLY thing that O’Reilly, or Gibson, or anyone else fighting against the alleged War on Christmas © care about is their own self-aggrandizement. They flog the alleged War on Christmas © because it allows increased face time for rallying their drooling sycophants into a frenzy of uncontrolled, unfocused rage.
Of course, they just might be onto something….
I remember when the anti-Christmas movement first got started. Soros had just finished discussing with Hillary Clinton how they were going to use their Mafia connections to control the Democratic Party, and they had concluded that in order to implement all of the secular-progressive policies we hold so dear, we first had to eliminate religion in the United States — just like Hitler had in Germany, and Stalin in Russia. With religion in place, there was no way we could ever hope to see three gay cousins marrying each other while legally smoking hashish next to the deathbed of their euthanized grandfather. So we secretly declared war on Christianity and decided that Christmas would be the central front in this war, wrongly assuming that it was the most Christian of all the Christian holidays. (Turns out that’s Easter. Oops!)
We even formulated a three-tiered structure to ensure that the plan would be effectively implemented. Basically, Soros would give a whole bunch of money to the American Civil Liberties Union so it could file lawsuits and intimidate everybody who said “Merry Christmas” in public, and websites like Media Matters would attack and demonize anyone who dared to speak in defense of the holiday. It was perfect. We even had an inspirational quote from Ebenezer Scrooge on the wall of the Christmas war room: “If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with ‘Merry Christmas’ on his lips, should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. He should!”
I could go off my own rant here, but I really have only one response:
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
