February 7, 2007 6:59 AM

A hard man is good to find...eh, Ted??

Ted Haggard Now Straight

“Paralyzed by Shame”, Ted Haggard is Leaving Colorado Springs

Haggard says he is not gay

Ted Haggard: Now “Completely Heterosexual”

The Rev. Ted Haggard emerged from three weeks of intensive counseling convinced he is “completely heterosexual” and told an oversight board that his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser. That is according to one of the disgraced pastor’s overseers, who on Monday revealed new details about where Haggard has been and where he is headed. The Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur also said the four-man oversight board strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work instead of Christian ministry if Haggard and his wife follow through on plans to earn master’s degrees in psychology.

I knew it was too good to be true. It seems as if it’s been half of forever since the multi-talented former DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener, man-whore, servant of God, massage enthusiast, and meth connoisseur Ted Haggard graced the headlines. Lo and behold, he’s back, and Glory Be, he’s completely cured of his affinity for male pole dancing.

I suppose we all deserve a second chance, but it would be nice if Haggard would openly and publicly admit to and disavow his previous hypocrisy and double-standards. Of course, the odds of that happening any time soon are about the same as me discovering the meaning of life.

Yes, Haggard deserves a second chance in the same way a felon, an alcoholic, or a drug addict deserves a second chance. Fortunately, the people “rehabilitating” Haggard were smart enough to recognize that going back into the ministry might not be the wisest course of action, given how he got himself into this position to begin with. To say that Haggard might suffer from a lack of credibility might be something of an understatement.

Haggard, who is apparently ready to jet off to Iowa or Missouri to become a psychologist, told a four-member oversight board that after three weeks of intense counseling he is now “completely heterosexual” and that “his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser” according to one of the pastors on that board.

Amazing. And James Dobson said it would take 4 or 5 years!

Haggard breezed through his therapy almost faster than Isaiah Washington. These guys are fast.

Said the pastor overseeing Haggard’s progress: “He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing. If we’re going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We’re into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn’t happened. Nobody is saying he can’t go back into ministry. Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful.”

Wonderful? Yes, I suppose then the “whitewash” would be complete. Haggard could go back to being the same old judgmental, two-faced, gay-bashing Evangelical ideologue we all know and love. He could come back a new and improved version of the man who preached vociferously against the very behavior he himself was partaking in.

Ted Haggard is a lying, deceiving, drug-using, adulterous homosexual…not that there’s necessarily anything wrong with any or all of those things (well, OK, there is…but that’s another story for another time). However, when your position of authority allows you free reign to condemn this behavior while simultaneously engaging in it…well, calling you a hypocrite doesn’t begin to do justice to the depths of your depravity.

Amazing, isn’t it, how Haggard can emerge from only 90 days of treatment, completely cleansed of all his demons? That’s not “treatment” or “rehabilitation”; that’s a complete and thorough “whitewash”. Praise Jeebus!!

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 7, 2007 6:59 AM.

Moral courage...it shouldn't have to be an oxymoron was the previous entry in this blog.

If you're surprised, you clearly haven't been paying attention is the next entry in this blog.

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