February 6, 2007 8:33 AM

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener

Astronaut arrested in romantic feud: Police say she had knife, wig as she attacked rival with pepper spray at Florida airport

Never Forget 2/6/07: The Day of the Astronaut Story

DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener #519: Lisa Marie Nowak

Lisa Nowak has cemented her status as the only astronaut we’ll remember besides Buzz Aldrin and Laika. All Nowak had to do? Fall in love with another astronaut, then drive 900 miles to confront/kidnap her love’s girlfriend. Wearing diapers…. The story has everything! And by “everything we mean “astronauts. Just say “astronaut love triangle out loud. It’s been proven by science to be the funniest phrase possible to use in an AP lede.

A wig, a BB gun, pepper spray, a steel mallet, 4’ of rubber tubing, and adult diapers. Not normally the sort of thing you’d associate with an American astronaut, yet it seems that even astronauts can be exceedingly human and prone to losing their bearing by doing something only a DUMB@$$ could be proud of.

Love triangles and the jealousies they create are as old as time. That people will do some crazy, out-of-character things in pursuit of love and affection is neither a new phenomenon nor a particularly original one. Nowak’s story, though, goes way beyond the merely odd. What kind of woman dons adult diapers so she can drive straight through from Houston to Orlando? To make things ever wierder, Nowak is married, the mother of three children, AND an astronaut. Uh, honey?…. You’re WHERE??

Most of us think of astronauts as being some sort of superior beings: smarter, stronger, more capable, less flappable…just generally more of everything most of us aspire to be. In a sense, there’s something to this belief, given the rigorous selection process a candidate must go through in order to be selected as an astronaut trainee. What this incident should prove to us, though, is that while astronauts are capable, intelligent, and generally admirable folks, they can be just as prone to flipping out as most of the rest of us. And they’re intelligent enough to turn it into something impressively weird. I mean, wearing adult diapers so you can drive 900+ miles nonstop?? Not something I would have thought of….

Equipped with a knife, pellet pistol, can of pepper spray, steel mallet and 4 feet of rubber tubing, Nowak arrived at Orlando International Airport early Monday morning, police said, to confront one challenge the space agency had never considered: a romantic rival.

Nowak, 43, remains in Orange County Jail without bail on a variety of charges arising from a confrontation with Colleen Shipman, an Air Force captain whom she allegedly assaulted in the parking garage during what police characterized as an attempted kidnapping.

Or perhaps she was just trying to get Shipman’s attention??

Nowak, a married mother of three, apparently had driven from Houston to meet Shipman, a younger competitor for the affections of another astronaut, Bill Oefelein. So intent was she not to be late that Nowak had donned adult diapers to avoid the customary rest stops, police said she told them.

Nowak also told police that she was involved with Oefelein, describing it as “more than a working relationship, but less than a romantic relationship,” according to an affidavit. After learning that Shipman was seeing Oefelein and was flying back to Florida after visiting Houston, she said she wanted to meet Shipman to talk to her. She said she did not plan to hurt her.

The purpose of the pistol was “to entice Shipman to talk with her,” police were told. When they asked her how squirting Shipman with pepper spray was going to aid the conversation, Nowak replied, “That was stupid.”

Gee, ya think??? Or perhaps Nowak’s idea of a “conversation” really did involve pepper spray, four feet of rubber tubing, and a steel mallet.

Methinks somebody’s got some ‘splainin’ to do….

On top of everything else, Nowak’s husband and children have got to be wondering what in the world is going on here. Imagine turning on CNN and seeing your mother or your wife being arraigned on live television. Then imagine trying to figure how anyone could drive from Houston to Orlando wearing adult diapers. Yikes…is it just me, or does that sound like a bladder infection just looking for a place to happen?

To their credit, the folks at NASA are thus far being very supportive of Nowak. They can’t be pleased with the bad press, but I think they realize that a friend and colleague’s well-being is at stake here. And Bill Oefelein? Man, if I were him, I’d be holed up at a secure, undisclosed location right about now.

UPDATE: Now it appears Nowak is facing an additional charge, one that just might make her a guest of the State of Florida for a very, very long time: attempted first-degree murder. Man, someone is having a VERY bad day….

blog comments powered by Disqus

Technorati

Technorati search

» Blogs that link here

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on February 6, 2007 8:33 AM.

It's about damn time was the previous entry in this blog.

Is it possible to do the right thing in the wrong way? You can if you're Rick Perry. is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Contact Me

Powered by Movable Type 5.12