March 16, 2007 6:28 AM

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener

Fuck Garrison Keillor

DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener #548: Garrison Keillor

I grew up the child of a mixed-gender marriage that lasted until death parted them‚Äö√Ѭ∂. Back in the day, that was the standard arrangement. Everyone had a yard, a garage, a female mom, a male dad, and a refrigerator with leftover boiled potatoes in plastic dishes with snap-on lids‚Äö√Ѭ∂. Under the old monogamous system, we didn’t have the problem of apportioning Thanksgiving and Christmas among your mother and stepdad, your dad and his third wife, your mother-in-law and her boyfriend Hal, and your father-in-law and his boyfriend Chuck. Today, serial monogamy has stretched the extended family to the breaking point. A child can now grow up with eight or nine or 10 grandparents‚Äö√Ñ√ÆGampa, Gammy, Goopa, Gumby, Papa, Poopsy, Goofy, Gaga and Chuck‚Äö√Ñ√Æand need a program to keep track of the actors.

My God, I am SO tired of writing about issues surrounding homosexuality. It’s not that I’m anti-gay- far from it- but homosexuality just isn’t an issue I get all that excited about. I’m very much about “live and let live”…what consenting adults do behind closed doors is, and should be, there own business. What else should need to be said? Yeah, I know…I can be so incredibly naive at times….

What really angers me are those knuckle-dragging troglodytes who see it as their role and perfect right to toss their bigotry out there for all to see…as if their opinion is somehow morally superior. Frankly, I’d really expected better from Garrison Keillor, a fellow Minnesotan whose creativity and feel for our common home state I’ve always had a soft spot for. It would seem that Keillor’s creativity and ability to weave a story out of Minnesota customs and simplicity also comes bundled with some high-powered ignorance, hypocrisy, and bigotry. To say that I’m disappointed wouldn’t begin to address my anger and disillusionment with Keillor, someone who until now I’d admired and respected.

Jeebus, what a (&^%$#@ troll….

And now gay marriage will produce a whole new string of hyphenated relatives. In addition to the ex-stepson and ex-in-laws and your wife’s first husband’s second wife, there now will be Bruce and Kevin’s in-laws and Bruce’s ex, Mark, and Mark’s current partner, and I suppose we’ll get used to it.

The country has come to accept stereotypical gay men‚Äö√Ñ√Æsardonic fellows with fussy hair who live in over-decorated apartments with a striped sofa and a small weird dog and who worship campy performers and go in for flamboyance now and then themselves. If they want to be accepted as couples and daddies, however, the flamboyance may have to be brought under control. Parents are supposed to stand in back and not wear chartreuse pants and black polka-dot shirts. That’s for the kids. It’s their show.

Wow. The bigotry and the stereotyping is truly impressive, eh? Man, who would have thought that Keillor could be such a hateful maroon? And this from a man who’s on his THIRD marriage- and whose second marriage failed after he’d had an affair. Yes, Garrison Keillor, that walking, talking advertisement for the superiority of the nuclear family and marital fidelity, is a (&^%$#@ hypocrite of the first order.

Why is it that so many expend so much energy on trying to find ways to separate people, to marginalize and pigeonhole them based on what they believe, who they vote for, or who they sleep with? Why is it so difficult to try and find ways to celebrate our commonalities, instead of passing judgment on those who happen not to think, live, or (&^% as we do?

Frankly, I’m with Dan Savage on this one. The hypocrisy and the self-serving moralizing is appalling.

Now marriage is about gender-appropriate behavior. So you shouldn’t get married and have kids if you’re not a manly man and a womanly woman‚Äö√Ñ√Æunless, of course, you’re straight. Straight female tomboys marry and have kids without attracting Keillor’s ire, as do effeminate straight men. (How many NPR listeners have over-decorated apartments, I wonder?)….

Keillor’s piece rests on the assumption that gay marriage is leading to the creation of gay families. It’s not. Same-sex couples are having children in all 50 states, not just the one state where it’s legal. One of the reasons the need for same-sex marriage is so pressing is because there are real children out there being raised by same-sex couples and our kids need the rights and protections that marriage provides for children. To see friends losing their health insurance‚Äö√Ñ√Æincluding a couple whose son has leukemia!‚Äö√Ñ√Æcharacterized as selfish attention-seekers by an attention-seeking star….

You know, if heterosexuals like Keillor had that whole marital fidelity thing down, then I might be willing to give opinions like his a bit more credence. Unfirtunately, it’s not like straight couples have done such a bang-up job of maintaining the sanctity of marriage. Where do hypocrites like Garrison Keillor get off trying to pass themselves off as the chief arbiters and protectors of the institution of marriage in this country, when they can’t maintain the institution themselves?

You’ll know we’ve achieved true equality when gays and lesbians are not only free to marry, but also to sleep around, divorce, and engage in all of the other relationship-destroying behaviors that heterosexuals do. When gays and lesbians are free to (&^% up a marriage just as heterosexuals do, we’ll know they’ve finally arrived. Until then…(&^% Garrison Keillor.

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on March 16, 2007 6:28 AM.

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