The Texas Spermatazoan-American Purchasing Act of 2007
The Texas Baby Purchasing Act of 2007
Make Big $$$ By Selling Texas Your Baby
Texas state senator Dan Patrick has a bold new plan to reduce abortions. It involves legalizing the slave trade, and putting it in the hands of big government, but hear him out. Here’s how it works: If you’re a U.S. citizen, Texas resident, pregnant, and you want an abortion — and you can prove you really want it — you may be entitled to $500. All you have to do is carry the fetus to term and sell it to the state. It’s kind of like those ads where Art Linkletter says you can get a tax break for donating your car. Which raises an interesting question: Isn’t he dead? Anyway, five hundred dollars is (almost by definition) five hundred dollars. Which seems like pretty good money, compared to my shifts at Waffle House, and I’d make and sell fetuses to the State of Texas in a second… but there seems to be a lot of paperwork involved. And what about my older kids? What’ll Dan give me for them?
Every now and then something comes along that’s so breathtakingly stupid, so arrogantly self-righteous, and so plain…well, dumb…that it almost defies description. Of course, it makes sense that Dan Patrick, no one’s intellectual to begin with, is behind this Texas version of The Handmaid’s Tale.
Amazing isn’t, how many small-government Conservatives are all for Big Government programs that support their narrow, self-righteous, holier-than-thou agenda? Imagine, if you can, Patrick’s predictable outrage with a program that would expand state government assistance to poor Hispanics in some of the border colonias. The hue and cry would be heard throughout the Austin area, from Georgetown to Manor to Dripping Springs and beyond. Of course, since a good, God-fearin’, Texas Republican came up with this half-assed, lame-brained idea, it’s perfectly acceptable.
Yep, Dan Patrick is proposing nothing less than the Great State of Texas going into the baby-brokering business. Let’s get real, shall we? This is a state that can’t educate or privide decent health care for it’s children, and we’re supposed to be OK with the idea of state-sponsored baby farming? I wish someone would tell me what Patrick’s been smoking, because it must be some high-grade, prime time @#!&.
SB 1567 is just the sort of social engineering that’s typical of a Texas Republican DUMB@$$ like Dan Patrick. Hey, it’s not like getting an abortion in Texas is a walk in the park to begin with, but Patrick’s gonna put some lipstick on this piggie…and maybe then people will start to think it’s looking pretty good.
It calls for the health department to “develop a program to encourage pregnant women to place their children for adoption rather than have an abortion… The program must include a $500 payment to each woman who is a resident of this state and a citizen of the United States who places a child for adoption rather than have an abortion.”
And who could object to that? Sure, it sounds like social engineering. But at least there’s money involved, so it’s also creepy as shit. And the stuff about proving you’re not Mexican gives it a nice nativist edge, too. Here’s the problem: How do you make sure the pregnant woman you’re screwing with isn’t just in it for the money?
How, indeed? Fear not, though- for Dan Patrick is WAY ahead of the curve here:
Sec. 50.002. APPLICATION FORM. (b) The department may only distribute the application forms to abortion providers.
Abortion providers, you say? Yeah, here in Texas we give them all sorts of leeway in order that they might provide the best political, religious, and ideological medical care money can buy:
Texas law already says the doctor has to tell his patient: The risks of infection, hemorrhage and future infertility, the risk of breast cancer; that counseling is available, that adoption services are available, and that the father can be legally compelled to pay child support.
Time he’d otherwise just waste asking about her symptoms.
He also has to tell her that Jesus sees everything and cries easily.
But what’s a few legal niceties when we’re trying to protect the Texas Evangelical Christian Republican Party’s right to shove their holier-than-thou agenda down the vaginas throats of those who don’t necessarily think, act, or believe as they do??
Then again, Dan Patrick is probably thinking he has the perfect solution. Poor, uneducated women can crank out babies at $500 a pop, and the state of Texas will raise them…or sell them for a profit themselves. BRILLIANT!!!
If any of y’all need me over the next few days, I’m going to be quite busy as I try to finish my first book. It’s called BABY FARMING FOR DUMMIES, and it should be available at a bookstore near you by Memorial Day. The forward will be written by Michele Bachmann (R-MN), a renowned baby farmer in her own right. Dan Patrick, as you might imagine, will be featured prominently in the DUMB@$$ section of the book.
