OK, so it’s 2.45am, and my 55-lb Labradoodle puppy needs to go outside and pee. I know this because Bailiff is biting my arm and pulling at the sleeve of my T-shirt. So, being the good dog owner/parent that I am, I get up, put Bailiff on a leash, and take him out in the front yard with me. Normally, I’d just put him in the back yard and go back to bed, but after getting and inch-and-a-half of rain yesterday, the back yard is a swamp…and if Bailiff loves anything, it’s water and mud…which doesn’t go well with our HGTV Showcase home (he said, tongue implanted firmly in cheek).
In the process of taking Bailiff outside, Judge decides he wants to come along. Why not? He’s a good dog, I’m thinking…as I watch him pee and then disappear down the street. So, it’s 2.45am, and I’m standing in the middle the street in front of our house in a t-shirt and my underpants, trying to convince Judge to come back and hoping that the local constabulary doesn’t decide to drive by.
Uh, well, officer…this isn’t quite what it looks like….
Finally, I managed to corral Judge and make sure Bailiff took care of his business. All three of us head back to bed…but all is not well. As I’m drifting back off to Dreamland…wait, is that DOG $#!% I smell? Auggghhh…. Realizing that this isn’t the sort of thing I can ignore until my alarm goes off, I get up once again, turn on the light, and…sho’ ‘nuff! Bailiff has taken not one, but TWO massive dumps on the carpet at the foot of the bed. Imagine my delight….
Good Lord, y’all…Bailiff must be about four pounds lighter….
If I seem a little grumpier than normal, it’s only because I’ve been wide awake since 2.45am, which means I should be ready to go to bed around 3pm. My proofreading skills, never the stuff of legend to begin with, may well be at record lows this morning. So, if you run across a phrase that reads something like, “Reqgradfaeyt &EE.266 $#@@&&)!”…well, you’ve been warned. Please try to understand; it’s been a rough morning.
I’m going to continually remind myself how much I love Bailiff. My hope is that mantra will keep me from selling him to an Oriental meat market. Yes, in many parts of the world, dog is considered a delicacy….
%#$@&((!%#$$^$@)#@$#%!^^%#….
