So, I was awakened at 1.45am by the sound (and smell) of Bailiff making an impressive deposit of Labradoodle diarrhea on the bedroom carpet. Yes, there’s nothing quite like the telltale middle-of-the-night sound of diarrhea emanating from a large dog. After cleaning up the toxic sludge, I was wide awake, so I figured that I’d go watch some TV. Since I’m not normally awake at such a ridiculous hour (hey, I’m a morning person, but 1.45am is beyond the pale, even for me), I figured I’d see what was on television. Wow…talk about 57 channels and nothing on…. Infomercials, sweaty, croaking television preachers, a rerun of an NBA from Sunday afternoon, news that was old yesterday. Man, you’d think that there’s a small audience in the wee hours….
One thing I did run across that I found amusing was a rerun of CNN’s Lou Dobbs Tonight. Normally, I can’t stand Lou Dobbs. The man’s an idiot, a blowhard in love with the sound of his own voice who revels in basking in the glow of his own reflected brilliance. Thankfully, Dobbs wasn’t on…probably because he was off protecting the Mexican border from the war on the middle class or some such madness. While his replacement droned on in her snide, knowing way about issues that Dobbs has decided are vital to this country his show’s continued ratings dominance, one of her guests caught my attention for all the wrong reasons.
The Right-wing Media’s continued attempts to rehabilitate Tom DeLay’s lapsed relevance has truly been something to behold. This episode of Lou Dobbs Tonight found him being questioned by Kitty Harris, who was doing her best to seem appropriately journalistic while simultaneously being sure to lob softballs at DeLay. The only thing missing were a pair of kneepads and DeLay’s eyes rolling back into his head as he moaned in ecstasy.
Inevitably, the subject turned to DeLay’s new book, which, though I won’t be reading it, from all reviews I’ve read is little more than a literary handjob. This allowed DeLay to own up to his own indiscretions while engaging in (the inevitable and far too predictable) denouncements of Bill Clinton’s extramarital behavior with Monica Lewinsky. When Harris asked DeLay about the indiscretions he details in the book, his response went something like this: “Let’s remember that this was more than 20 years ago. Besides, it’s OK…because I found Christ. And how ‘bout that Bill Clinton getting his pole greased by that zaftig intern, eh?? Isn’t he a disgrace?” As if the passage of time and “finding Christ” (who even knew He was lost??) mitigates DeLay’s own special indiscretions, which, by all indications, make Clinton look like a freakin’ choir boy?
I had to keep flipping away from the interview, because I found myself having to fight the urge to vomit…and yet, I kept returning. I felt like a gawker who kept looking back at a gruesome car wreck. I knew it was horrible, but I just couldn’t get enough of it. Now I need a shower, ‘cuz I just feel dirty….
Can’t we just fit the man for an orange prison jumpsuit and be done with it??
Man, I just hope I can stay awake today. I figure that I’m good until about 2pm…and then I’ll probably crash. I just have to keep reminding myself that I love Bailiff…and I can prove it. If you’d seen me cleaning up the toxic diarrhea sludge this morning without complaining, you would have seen love- and insomnia- in action.
Yes, Amanda, there IS something worse than pit bull diarrhea….
