April 6, 2007 7:19 AM

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener

Firefighter caught in bikini: Family visiting park gets shock

Bikini Firefighter Burned: Police photo gallery documents Ohio man’s “offensive attire”

DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener #561: Steven S. Cole

MASON ‚Äö√Ñ√¨ A Wayne Township volunteer firefighter is scheduled to appear Thursday in Mason Municipal Court on drunken driving and other charges after he was found wearing a woman’s blond wig and bikini in a public park. Steven S. Cole, 46, Waynesville, was arrested about 5 p.m. Tuesday at Heritage Oak Park off U.S. 42 after Mason police received a report of an intoxicated man. Cole was charged with drunken driving, having an open container, public indecency and disorderly conduct.

bilde1.jpgYeah, I know; you always wanted your picture to be spread around to the far-flung reaches of da Interweb. You just never thought that when it actually happened, it would be a picture of you wearing…a blonde wig and a bikini??

Yep, such is the plight of our latest DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener. Time was when you could make a fashion faux pas like this in a small town and it would remain relatively low-key. What happens in Mason stays in Mason, eh? Now, thanks to the awesome power of da Interweb, no foible or fashion criminal can count on remaining anonymous- or even low-key- for very long. I pity Steven Cole, who for the rest of his life will be haunted by this picture. DUMB@$$E$ are forever.

A string bikini? Aw, man, that is SO 1980 I can hardly believe it. The next thing you’ll tell me was that Cole was busted while drinking Billy Beer and listening to Iron Butterfly on the 8-track in his ‘78 Pinto….

And what’s with thosepink Speedo flip-flops?? God Lord, the man’s a walking fashion disaster!

Someone should really clue Cole in that horizontal stripes really do have a slimming effect, and that wearing a striped string bikini before Memorial Day is just SO gauche….

And, best of all…wait for it…there’s alcohol involved…and apparently quite a lot of it. You had to know this was coming, no? Jeebus, surely you didn’t think Cole would commit such a fashion crime while sober, did you?? Besides, it’s a rule as old as the end of time- DUMB@$$E$ and alcohol may not mix, but the combination certainly makes for some entertaining possibilities, eh??

Yes, with a blood-alcohol content of 0.174, it’s a wonder Cole could stand up straight, much less keep the water balloons in his bikini top from falling out. And you thought it was easy being a cross-dresser….

Even better than Cole’s BAC was his story. Apparently, he was headed to a gay bar to compete for a $10,000 prize- which, if you think about it, is a small price to pay for surrendering your dignity to the vagaries and vicissitudes of da Interweb.

Cole was arrested after a Mason father enjoying the balmy spring weather at the park spotted him and called police.

“It was like this freak show,” said Troy Harphant, 35. “I was a little taken by surprise by what I’d seen there. It was out of place with what should have been going on over there, that’s for sure.”

Harphant was at the park with his wife, Wendy, as they watched their daughter, Hayley, 6, zip around on a bike path on her pink Barbie Princess scooter.

At least 100 other adults and children also were at the park, Harphant said.

Harphant said he saw what appeared to be a naked person on the bike path, fondling or exposing himself or herself. The person seemed to be scared off moments later by a jogger.

Harphant then said he saw the bikini-clad person hop into a parked blue Ford F-150 pickup truck with red emergency lights on top and he realized the person was a man.

“My wife said, “It’s a lady,’ and I was like, ‚Äö√Ñ√≤No, it’s not a lady,’ ” Troy Harphant said.

That’s no lady…that a firefighter!!

Mason Police Officer Scott Miller pulled the truck over. His report states: “I observed Cole to be wearing a very skimpy woman’s ‚Äö√Ѭ∂ bikini with two tan water balloons taped to the top to simulate two woman’s breasts and a pair of pink Speedo flip-flop sandals.”

Even the police officer recognized what a fashion disaster Cole was. He was probably thankful that he could at least bust Cole for DWI, because I’m sure he knew that committing a fashion crime doesn’t actually involve having to serve any jail time. Cole doesn’t need to serve any jail time, because he gets to live with the reality that his booking shot is already all over da Interweb.

Yes, there are times when being a DUMB@$$ is it’s own reward….

blog comments powered by Disqus

Technorati

Technorati search

» Blogs that link here

About this Entry

This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on April 6, 2007 7:19 AM.

By this time next week, there will be a Burger King and a Starbucks here was the previous entry in this blog.

You call it "road rage"; We call it "population control" is the next entry in this blog.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

Contact Me

Powered by Movable Type 5.12