Meet the Also-Rans: Jonathon the Impaler
If you’ve ever dreamed of a president who is an ordained satanic priest and wants to murder a bunch of people with his own hands, Jonathon the Impaler is your guy. A vampire, Jonathon has an unwavering personal commitment to impale Osama Bin Laden, President Bush, Mike Tyson, O.J. Simpson, and others immediately upon taking office. Jonathon also brings to the table important military experience, serving as a “commanding general” of the vampire regiment “Death Dealers.” This group would also provide his security detail, relieving the Secret Service of their important duty.
In an era when America finds itself threatened from without and within, our nation cries out for strong, principled, take-no-prisoners, show-no-mercy leadership. You don’t necessarily have to drink the blood of young virgins, but sometime’s a statesman’s gotta do what a statesman’s gotta do, no?
Nikita Khrushchev spoke of the need to break eggs in order to make an omelette. Jonathan the Impaler is not only willing to break eggs; he’s willing to behead the chickens involved in laying the eggs. Now THAT’S showing the courage to stay the course and take the fight to the enemy, eh?
Of course, I find the whole recurring vampirism them somewhat disturbing, but then again I suppose every solution and every effective leader comes in an imperfect package. Then there’s the whole working from sundown to sunup thing. While that might drive the White House staff bat-shit crazy, there is precedent for this. Mao Zedong was notorious for being able to hit his stride in the middle of the night, just as his staff was falling asleep around him. North Korea’s Kim Jong-il is similarly constituted, working in what “normal” people consider the middle of the night and wearing out his sleep-deprived staff. Then again, who says leading the Free World is an 8-5 job??
On the plus, we’d save a TON of money on Secret Service details….
He has already selected former Florida Rep. Katherine Harris as his secretary of state but has not yet settled on a VP. His top candidates: former New Jersey governor and EPA administrator Christine Todd-Whitman, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), or Sen. Elizabeth Dole (R-NC).
Someone should probably warn these folks. They’re probably going to want to leave town and find a safe hiding place. Jonathan doesn’t take kindly to being disappointed- or even worse, turned down.
