(cross-posted to The Agonist)
America Wants Alan Keyes For President!!
We Need Alan Keyes For President
Now that people have actually looked at Fred Thompson and realized he’s not Sam Watterson but is actually a lazy mumbler who marries strippers, the search is on for a candidate who is actually a reincarnated Reagan. And as last night’s atrocious debate proved, none of those geeks will ever be president of anything. Who, oh who will be the conservative dreamboat to right our ship of state ‚Äö√Ñ√Æ because a boat could conceivably right a ship, right? How about Alan Keyes?
Uh…like marrying a stripper isn’t a good thing? Hey, at least you’ve gotten a preview of the goods before you buy them, right? And, you know she’s going to be flexible.
Ah, but I digress before I’ve even really gotten started….
You know, in a day and age when America seems to be crying out for focused, centered, and principled leadership…yeah, I know, but Alan Keyes sure as Hell would be entertaining despite the complete and total absence of that focused, centered, and principled leadership, no? After all, what other Presidential candidate- Republican OR Democrat has this sort of range?
- Keyes is so stiff and pompous, he even creeps out Al Gore.
- If he gets the nomination, we could have a hilarious repeat of the 2004 race for the Illinois Senate seat.
- It was in that race that Keyes said that Jesus Christ totally wouldn’t vote for Barry Obama, because Jesus hates black people.
- Keyes called Mary Cheney a “gross slut” on the radio.
- Earned Michael Moore’s endorsement by jumping into a mosh pit at a Rage Against the Machine show.
- Was roomies with Bill Kristol at Harvard.
- Has lost every race he’s ever run, including two campaigns for the GOP nomination!
- Often made Walnuts [John McCain] and Dubya look even crazier/dumber than they are during the 2000 Republican debates.
- Hey ladies, he’s a “trained opera singer.”
- Delighted audiences around the world with his role as a pompous would-be politician in the Borat movie. Also, Borat reportedly gave Keyes “a Jew’s rib.”
An unpredictable, wildly and dangerously unstable man for unpredictable, wildly and dangerously unstable times? Why the Hell not? Who better to have his finger on the nuclear trigger than Alan Keyes, who will convince the bad guys that he’s just pissed off enough he might just push the damn button. Nothing wrong with keepin’ ‘em guessing, eh??
Besides, 9.11 is SO 2001. Don’t you think it’s time we have a fresher, more updated and current version of the Apocalypse confronting us? Then Alan Keyes is the man for the job. Plus, I’ve got the PERFECT campaign slogan for him:
ALAN KEYES IN 2008!! HE’S TOUGH, HE’S READY, AND HE’S OFF HIS MEDICATION!!!
