July 7, 2007 8:39 AM

It's large, it's thick, it's hard...and the problem would be...what, exactly??

Residents of Oregon town say shape of traffic posts is offensive

Gigantic phallus terrorizes Oregon town

KEIZER, Ore. - The City of Keizer is taking heat for installing a group of cement posts designed to protect pedestrians from cars, but which some say is a phallic symbol. A total of 52 of the posts were installed at a busy intersection in Keizer and they are getting a lot of second glances…. A number of residents have complained to the city that the posts resemble male genitalia…. “I can’t disagree with that,” said City Manager Chris Eppley. “They certainly did not turn out the way we anticipated.”…. According to Eppley, the posts were ordered from a catalog and looked much different on paper…. “They’re a standard style,” Eppley said. “I think in the right context they look fine. They just happened not to (look fine) here.”…. The city is looking into retrofitting the posts with metal collars and chains that run between them, which they hope will change the look. If not, they said the posts will have to go.

OK, kids; if the biggest problem in Pleasantville is whether or not your traffic control posts resemble male genitalia…might I suggest that you get yourself to a bedroom and remind yourself what the real thing is all about. If this is the biggest problem you can work your point li’l haid into a lather over…well, you might not live in Paradise, but you can certainly see it from wherever you are.

Not only are these concrete posts found the world over, millions of people see them on a daily basis without becoming either sexually aroused, morally indignant…or both. They’re functional, they’re generic, and no matter how much AstroGlide one uses, they’re still not going to be able to easily or safely fulfill any immoral purpose. Hey, if you don’t believe me, knock yourself out.

As for whether or not the posts are truly phallic, well, that’s a matter of perception, I suppose. Even so, if you want phallic…boy, do I got phallic for you:

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on July 7, 2007 8:39 AM.

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