OH MY GOD…. I have seen the future of our great nation…and frankly, it scares the Hell out of me. Then again, it seems clear that while Miss Teen USA competitors may be judged on talent, grace, and poise (not to mention how they look
naked in a swimsuit), native intelligence isn’t part of the competition. In the case of Miss Teen South Carolina, this can only be a good thing, because if you hooked an IQ meter up to Lauren Caitlin Upton, I don’t think the needle would budge.
OK, so I understand that Ms. Upton was probably quite nervous, and I get that she’s expectly to extemporaneously answer a question posed to her while somehow maintaining her composure with the weight of millions of eyes upon her (I certainly couldn’t do it, but then I’m not Miss Teen South Carolina, am I??)…but this is about a minute of the most pointless verbal dogpaddling I’ve heard since Ari Fleischer and Scott McClellan haunted the lectern in the White House Press Room.
I made it only about 20 seconds into the video before I had to stop listening. My head literally felt as if it was about to explode. I could feel my IQ degrading with each passing second, and I knew that listening to the whole thing would put me at risk of ending up the intellectual equivalent of cauliflower. If you can make it to the denouement…well, you’re a better person than I am. You’ll have to tell me how it ends.
I’ve never seen what happens when matter and anti-matter collide, but it probably sounds a lot like Lauren Caitlin Upton. She may not have been crowned Miss Teen USA, but she’ll always be Miss Teen DUMB@$$ USA in my heart…and few are more deserving. Then again, this Sweet Young Thang undoubtedly has a brilliant future ahead of her as a press secretary in a Republican White House.