September 17, 2007 7:47 AM

Another DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener

Keyes looks to rescue GOP, announces run for president: Former Reagan diplomat says he’s unmoved by lack of moral courage displayed by others

America Wants Alan Keyes For President!!

Keyes Says Christ Would Not Vote For Obama

We Need Alan Keyes For President

A strange man for strange times?

DUMB@$$ AWARD wiener #657: Alan Keyes

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. ‚Äö√Ñ√¨ After two previous runs for U.S. president, former Reagan diplomat Alan Keyes has announced he’s again seeking the White House in the 2008 election, and he’ll take part in Monday night’s Republican presidential debate here. Keyes told syndicated radio host Janet Parshall he’s “unmoved” by the lack of moral courage shown by the other candidates, among whom he sees no standout who articulates the “key kernel of truth that must, with courage, be presented to our people.”…. He added, “The one thing I’ve always been called to do is to raise the standard … of our allegiance to God and His authority that has been the foundation stone of our nation’s life” ‚Äö√Ñ√¨ and he decried the lack of “forthright, clear, and clarion declaration” from the current crop of presidential contenders.

Oh, Sweet Jesus…THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!! Thank you for the gift to American politics (and to my sanity, such as it is) that is Alan Keyes, who, when he’s off his meds, is by far the single most entertaining Right-wing flaming nutjob on the planet. Well, outside of Vladimir Zhirinovsky, that is. How Keyes has never previously won a DUMB@$$ AWARD is something I simply have no credible explanation for. Hell, the DUMB@$$ AWARD should be RENAMED in his honor, because few have done more to thoroughly demonstrate their worthiness. Let’s face reality, y’all…Alan Keyes was born a DUMB@$$, he lives his life as the quintessential DUMB@$$, and he will undoubtedly die a member of the DUMB@$$ Hall of…er…Shame. Seldom have so few done so much with so little….

Alan Keyes is the perfect antidote to what promises to be an otherwisely deadly dull GOP primary campaign. Judging by his past performances whilst on a national stage, particularly during his 2004 campaign against Barack Obama for a Senate seat from Illinois, the race for the GOP nomination is now a comedy gold mine.

As I’ve previously mentioned, I’ve got the PERFECT campaign slogan for Keyes. I’ll even let him use it gratis. He doesn’t even have to credit me. After all, it’s the least I can do for the hours of endless, priceless mirth and entertainment I just know he’ll provide me and those sick, twisted minds like me with:

ALAN KEYES IN 2008!! HE’S TOUGH, HE’S READY, AND HE’S OFF HIS MEDICATION!!!

Man, I can hardly wait until he hits the debate circuit. Keyes is a walking, talking poster boy for the wonders of Thorazine- not that he’s actually taking it, thankfully. Whenever I’ve listened to Keyes during a debate, you can almost hear his synapses frying when he’s asked a question. The man is instant entertainment. Almost as good as the man himself is his website, Renew America, home to some of the most thoroughly unbalanced, ignorant, and hateful Right-wing rants to be found anywhere on da Interweb. Jeebus, Keyes and his fellow trolls make the idjuts at Little Green Footballs look postively sane and rational by comparison.

Getting back to Keyes, though, who could forget this collection of his greatest hits?:

  • Keyes is so stiff and pompous, he even creeps out Al Gore.

  • If he gets the nomination, we could have a hilarious repeat of the 2004 race for the Illinois Senate seat.

  • It was in that race that Keyes said that Jesus Christ totally wouldn’t vote for Barry Obama, because Jesus hates black people.

  • Keyes called Mary Cheney a “gross slut” on the radio.

  • Earned Michael Moore’s endorsement by jumping into a mosh pit at a Rage Against the Machine show.

  • Was roomies with Bill Kristol at Harvard.

  • Has lost every race he’s ever run, including two campaigns for the GOP nomination!

  • Often made Walnuts [John McCain] and Dubya look even crazier/dumber than they are during the 2000 Republican debates.

  • Hey ladies, he’s a “trained opera singer.”

  • Delighted audiences around the world with his role as a pompous would-be politician in the Borat movie. Also, Borat reportedly gave Keyes “a Jew’s rib.”

Let’s face facts here, shall we? Fred Thompson, even though he’s thoroughly and completely looney tunes, is about as exciting as watching Karl Rove getting his back waxed. Rudy Giuliani is a one-tricky pony (all 9.11, all the time). Mitt Romney is an empty suit with perfect hair. John McCain will say literally anything that comes into his mind, no matter how completely contradictory to his previous positions, if he thinks it will get him elected. Mike Huckabee apparently thinks God is a Republican. Ron Paul isn’t even a Republican. Duncan Hunter is the living, breathing reincarnation of “B1 Bob” Dornan. Sam Brownback is an Evangelical Brownshirt. And Tom Tancredo? Well, he’s just about the only GOP candidate who can even come close to out-crazying Alan Keyes.

No, Alan Keyes is EXACTLY what this sorry lot of mental midgets needs with five months left until the Iowa caucuses. Without him, an entire nation of mindless sheeple might be lulled into a quasi-hypnotic states redolent of somnolent drones. At least now, the GOP race will get some attention…if only because 3/4 of the press corps will be running a pool trying to predict when Keyes’ head will explode.

Stay tuned, y’all; this promises to be a GOOD time….

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This page contains a single entry by Jack Cluth published on September 17, 2007 7:47 AM.

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