For the past few weeks, I’ve found myself trying to put the changes I’ve forcibly brought into my life into some sort of perspective. Admittedly, it hasn’t been easy to do, because I’ve essentially employed a howitzer to kill a mosquito. To say that I ripped my life up by the roots in order to move to Portland would be something of an understatement. The problem with doing this is that, in addition to hurting someone I love, I’ve created a tremendous amount of collateral damage. No, I’m not going to go into details, but suffice it to say that there’s a reason I’m in Portland, and it’s not so I can watch Oregon Ducks football.
The short version is that I’ve hurt and angered a lot of people. I’m sorry about that, of course, but I also realize that I can’t control what people think. They don’t understand the situation, and they’re not living in my head or in my shoes. I’d rather be universally loved, but I know that’s not going to happen, so if people choose to hate or despise me…well, that’s their right.
What I do feel badly is that my actions (and yes, my temporary mental jumping the tracks) has deeply hurt someone I love very much. I don’t possess the vocabulary adequate to express how sorry I am for that. The end result is that we’re in a helluva quandary. Hopefully, we’ll be able to sort things out, but that’s going to present a challenge.
In the meantime, I’m in a place emotionally I never, ever thought I’d find myself. I can’t change what’s transpired, and I can’t undo the damage that’s been done- as much as I might like to. All I can do is to work to put Humpty Dumpty back together. I don’t know what the future holds, but I can try to handle my business in the present in the most effective and loving way possible.
Life sure takes some odd turns, doesn’t it? Yes, it certainly does….
