Don't look at me...I was nowhere near the place

The people of Ireland (and the Irish diaspora) were left devastated today by the loss of 450 kegs of beer to a cunning, but heartless Dublin thief. The unidentified bogarter drove his truck up to a fully loaded trailer of kegs at the Guinness brewery and drove off into the dark Irish night. In a small bit of good news, the bastard only got 180 kegs of the good stuff but was saddled with 180 kegs of Bud and 90 of Carlsberg.

• Megan Carpenter